Let's fucking go!

I was sitting on the shitter after sneaking in the garage after work, minding my own business and trying to DO my business when I heard a shocked Tween yell "You can't say that!" to Little Shit who immediately burst into tears complete with uncontrollable sobbing. Then I heard the Tween trying to shush her only for the volume of sobbing to increase to an uncomfortable level - like a goddamned siren. Fuck me. My peaceful, toilet clogging shit needed to be put on hold. Like a responsible mom I pinched the loaf and headed into the living room to determine what the problem was.

All hell was breaking loose when I interrupted. After shutting everyone up I asked the Tween what the problem was. "SHE said a VERY VERY bad word!" The Tween accused and crossed her arms smugly waiting for me to flip my shit. I looked at Little Shit who was glaring daggers at her older sister and looking like she wanted to rip her head off and crap down her throat. Whoa! My toddler looked E-V-I-L. After some coaxing Little Shit finally told me what went down.

"Tween said we were going outside to play on the swing set but she wouldn't go outside because she was playing her iPad. I kept asking really nice, mommy. I asked really nice." Cue the big eyes tearing up from Little Shit and an exasperated sigh from the Tween. "So I told her we needed to go and tried to grab her iPad and she pushed me so I grabbed her and said..." at this pout Little Shit juts her chin out and stands her ground like zero fucks are given "let's fucking go!" At the look on my face Little Shit's zero fucks attitude falters..."is that bad mommy? I heard you tell daddy that earlier."

I'm in my room now with a bottle of wine and a straw, coping with the circus I live.

I kissed a...boy?..and I liked it

The Tween was searching her bag for Chapstick while we drove to meet her dad. As she applied it she looked at me and said, "I don't think guys should put Chapstick on in public. It's really disturbing. They need to do that in private."

This surprised me so I asked why she had a problem with Chapstick and guys. It's not like we were talking about guys wearing lip gloss or lipstick. "Well this one guy at daddy's church applies his Chapstick during service and he's all like <mimics a loose woman trying to be sexy by applying lipstick>."

I busted out laughing and told her that wasn't fair to all guys that one man's technique grossed her out. The Tween rolled her eyes at me because I obviously didn't get it.

When we met up with my ex-husband and were discussing upcoming events for the Tween, she interrupted us and asked, "Daddy, don't you think guys shouldn't apply Chapstick in public?" I started laughing at his perplexed look and gave a brief explanation.

Then, he looked at the Tween and said, "If a man wearing Chapstick bothers you then I better not tell you what I did last night while playing a game with a group of [church] friends." Of course the Tween perked up at this and, knowing my bible thumping ex and his hypocritical tendencies, my interest was also piqued.

My ex-husband proceeds to tell our daughter that a challenge in the game was for him to kiss someone else playing, but not his spouse. (What the hell kind of game were they playing??) Rather than kissing one of the other women playing and upsetting his own wife, he decided to kiss one of the guys. The Tweens eyes were bugging out of her head..."OMG DADDY! You kissed a GUY?!?"

He confirmed he did and then explained he kissed the guy's neck...near his ear. What. the. fuck? Did he really think that was better than a quick peck on the lips or the cheek?? A kiss on the neck is pretty intimate. Then the ex-hole floored the Tween with, "In hindsight I should have taken the point deduction rather than do the kiss."

It was obvious this disturbed the Tween because she pulled me to the side and whispered furiously to me. As we headed back to the ex-hole I pulled some lip gloss out of my purse and asked if his boyfriend prefers cherry or mint flavor. The Tween thought it was funny....the ex not so much.

Boo you!

After tucking Baby Shit into bed, Little Shit, the Tween and I went to "Boo" 2 houses in the neighborhood.  

In case you don't know what it means to "Boo" someone, during the month of October you sneak up to a house and leave a bag of treats on the doorstep then ring the doorbell and run like hell.  

With my college football team winning today you could say I've done a little (lot) celebrating (drinking) so I decided to keep to the shadows and let the kids do the tricking. The people in the 1st house we hit must have been anticipating a booing (or had been ding-dong-ditched a lot) because the Tween and Little Shit barely cleared the reach of the porch light when the front door was thrown open and the dad and 2 kids came barreling outside. The dad looked around for a few minutes until the kids noticed the bag of treats. As soon as the front door shut the Tween and Little Shit ran across the front yard IN THE LIGHT and the dad threw the door back open, yelling "caught ya little bastards!" My kids froze. Absolutely froze. I stayed back (sipping my beer), and listened as the Tween thought fast on her feet and responded to his question of whether or not they were the culprits. She gave a pretty convincing explanation of why her and Little Shit happened to be there right at that same moment. And then....Little Shit started giggling. Then it was full blown laughter. She looked at the neighbor and blew their cover with "Tween is just kidding! It was us!!!" More giggles from Little Shit as Tween yelled at her that she couldn't say that. I took another sip of beer and waited until the girls joined me. 

 As we headed to the next house, both girls talking excitedly about how they just got busted, I heard my phone beep and checked my text messages..."Did that scare the kids or what? I thought [Tween] was going to crap herself when she was busted for lying." Ah yes, it's so much fun when the neighbors play along.

Little Shit's swim lesson

Little Shit started swim lessons this week - 2 mornings per week. I wasn't able to go today since I had a conflict with work meetings so Nana took her. Apparently Little Shit was beside herself upset when the instructor was aggressive with her and pulled her into the water. I got a text message play-by-play from Nana who watched from the "parent's room." Once the lesson ended and they were in the car, Nana asked Little Shit how she liked swim lessons. Little Shit replied that she hated it. When Nana asked her why she hated it Little Shit replied, "That crazy bitch pulled me under water and scared the crap out of me, Nana." According to Nana that response startled her and made her jump a curb in her Cadillac. Trying to not flip out over Little Shit's language, Nana asked her why she would say such a thing. Little Shit promptly replied with, "that's what mommy would have said about that crazy bitch!"

....I'm in time out this evening.

There's no rationalizing with crazy

A coworker hired after me at my previous employer informed our mutual boss that his wife, who was mentally unstable, wanted a divorce because she thought we were having an affair. HELL NO! This dude is one of those that immediately sets off the “creep” flags on a woman’s radar and makes your skin crawl. He asked our boss to inform me that his wife was unstable and may reach out to me, that she had done this at his previous employer and that it caused problems with his coworkers. My boss told me to be aware of my surroundings at all times because "the woman is unstable and there is no telling what she could do."

I then was harassed on a daily basis. I got HR involved. Finally my employer changed my work extension, asked my coworker to tell his wife to stop coming inside the building after she came down and sat outside my office one day in an attempt to intimidate me - we worked at opposite sides of the building. And she still came into the building but my employer never kicked her out! I changed my work habits and started secluding myself in my office. I was stressed. Certified crazy is scary…you don’t mess with that shit. There’s no rationalizing with crazy!

Dickhead was very supportive of what I was dealing with. He told me she was blinded by my beauty and boobs when she saw me and latched onto me as a threat in her unstable mind. He thought it was rather funny at first until the harassment continued to get worse.

It was a blessing when I got my new job. Then my fucking boss blasted an email out to everyone and told them I had given my notice so congratulate me on my new position...and she said where I was going!

However, all has been quiet since I left there a month ago. Until this past week. I answered my work phone and the crazy twit said "this is so and so's wife. I'm calling because he told me you two are having an affair." I told her to stop right there, that I have never slept with her husband and I'm happily married. I told her to never call me again. She said "this is the first time I've EVER called you." So I called bullshit and told her we had to change my extension at my last employer because of her repeated calls. She said "as a woman, I need to ask how you can do this....is it true?" I told her as a woman I wouldn't look twice at her husband and she needs to let her obsession go. I LEFT my last job to get away from this crazy situation that was forced on me and she has no right to harass me. She said "if you aren't sleeping with him then how did you know about this situation." I was like "Look, Crazy, obviously you have a screw or two loose. Your husband told OUR boss about it, who then informed me that I had a crazy psycho on my hands. Since then you've proved it time and again. Don't ever contact me again. I'm filing a police report for harassment," and I hung up. Then I immediately went to HR and filled them in on the situation. The IT department pulled the number from our phone system—in less than 24 hours she had called my new place of work 3 times before actually talking with me—and they blocked it so Crazy can't call again from that number. I filed the police report. I also called my old boss and informed her about what had happened and about the police report.

I’m now packing mace and ready to show Crazy what crazy really is…

You call that a compromise?

Dickhead and I have gone 'round and 'round about tubal ligation vs vasectomy. I've had 3 c-sections and refuse to get my tubes tied. My birth control is causing issues ranging from RAPID weight gain and 2 periods per month (who the fuck wants to deal with that??) to skin discoloration aka hyper-pigmentation on my face. I told DH last week that I'm done with birth control and the side effects so when this pack runs out he'll need to buy condoms because we aren't having unprotected sex...or he can schedule a vasectomy. DH isn't thrilled about using condoms and I'm on my sugar pill week so he better figure it out. Well, tonight he approached me with a compromise:

Option 1: Stay on birth control and get liposuction and tummy tuck no vasectomy

Option 2: Go off birth control and get back to my pre pregnancy weight (lose 20 lbs) and he'll get a vasectomy

Both options piss me off. What, did you think he was being generous? Let me point out the error in your thought.

Option 1 came with the stipulation that I get my part of the benefit WHEN we can afford it - which is right now but he won't admit that - so he can string me along. Meanwhile he doesn't have to wear condoms or do anything on his part.

Option 2 came with the stipulation that he does't have to get a vasectomy UNTIL I reach the goal he set for me...he's counting on me not getting back into pre pregnancy shape.

Dickhead has made a huge error in judgement in approaching me with these "compromises." We'll see how long it takes him to get tired of date nights with his fists.

I cuss like a fucking lady!

I love to cuss! There. I said it. In case you didn't know before, well, now you do. Asshole. Shitbag, fuckity uppity judgmental twat sitting there with your ankles crossed, your head held high, staring down your nose at my crudeness. Good for you with your boring goody goodness and stupid wholesomeness. I'm sure you're a god dammed riot in the sack. "Oh, Johnny, put it in me. Touch me there...yea, pound my pee hole! Can I hold your love stick?" I hope you like missionary position, because that's the best fucking you're going to get with that boring personality. Meanwhile, Johnny's hiding in the bathroom fist-pumping away to the porn on his smart phone.

I shit you not, it's been tried.

Obviously bad words flow from my mouth like verbal diarrhea. Some have tried to stop the leakage, but they usually throw their hands in the air and walk away in disgust...but not before I've gotten in their heads and mouths and caused them to toss out a few expletives of their own. I'll be honest...that brings me great joy. Knowing I've gotten to someone that way. I love rubbing off on someone - and not just in a sexual way. *wink*

Seriously, why the hell do cuss words bother people so much? Repeat after me: words are words made by man, they have no bearing on life other than the enjoyment they give (me) to say them.

I especially love that word FUCK. I fucking love the shit out of the word "fuck." I'll throw a "fuck" or two into a business meeting like the guys do just to see eyes bulge. Why does it bother people? Because I'm sitting there in my business suit, with my perfectly done hair and my manicured nails, looking like someone that should be sniffing flowers rather rolling in the mud with the boys. Who says it's not lady-like to cuss? I'm a fucking lady, dammit!