There's no rationalizing with crazy

A coworker hired after me at my previous employer informed our mutual boss that his wife, who was mentally unstable, wanted a divorce because she thought we were having an affair. HELL NO! This dude is one of those that immediately sets off the “creep” flags on a woman’s radar and makes your skin crawl. He asked our boss to inform me that his wife was unstable and may reach out to me, that she had done this at his previous employer and that it caused problems with his coworkers. My boss told me to be aware of my surroundings at all times because "the woman is unstable and there is no telling what she could do."

I then was harassed on a daily basis. I got HR involved. Finally my employer changed my work extension, asked my coworker to tell his wife to stop coming inside the building after she came down and sat outside my office one day in an attempt to intimidate me - we worked at opposite sides of the building. And she still came into the building but my employer never kicked her out! I changed my work habits and started secluding myself in my office. I was stressed. Certified crazy is scary…you don’t mess with that shit. There’s no rationalizing with crazy!

Dickhead was very supportive of what I was dealing with. He told me she was blinded by my beauty and boobs when she saw me and latched onto me as a threat in her unstable mind. He thought it was rather funny at first until the harassment continued to get worse.

It was a blessing when I got my new job. Then my fucking boss blasted an email out to everyone and told them I had given my notice so congratulate me on my new position...and she said where I was going!

However, all has been quiet since I left there a month ago. Until this past week. I answered my work phone and the crazy twit said "this is so and so's wife. I'm calling because he told me you two are having an affair." I told her to stop right there, that I have never slept with her husband and I'm happily married. I told her to never call me again. She said "this is the first time I've EVER called you." So I called bullshit and told her we had to change my extension at my last employer because of her repeated calls. She said "as a woman, I need to ask how you can do this....is it true?" I told her as a woman I wouldn't look twice at her husband and she needs to let her obsession go. I LEFT my last job to get away from this crazy situation that was forced on me and she has no right to harass me. She said "if you aren't sleeping with him then how did you know about this situation." I was like "Look, Crazy, obviously you have a screw or two loose. Your husband told OUR boss about it, who then informed me that I had a crazy psycho on my hands. Since then you've proved it time and again. Don't ever contact me again. I'm filing a police report for harassment," and I hung up. Then I immediately went to HR and filled them in on the situation. The IT department pulled the number from our phone system—in less than 24 hours she had called my new place of work 3 times before actually talking with me—and they blocked it so Crazy can't call again from that number. I filed the police report. I also called my old boss and informed her about what had happened and about the police report.

I’m now packing mace and ready to show Crazy what crazy really is…

Funny Farm, population: 1

My mom and I have a strange relationship. I'm sane and she's batshit fucking crazy. If this were the late 1800's or early 1900's I would have taken her for a Sunday drive and checked her into the loony farm. I can't begin to explain how delusional she is, but I'm going to try.

Before you think I'm hating on my mother, let me just say I believe my mom is a saint in the fact that as a divorced mother of 4 kids in the 80's she did what she had to do to raise her kids. She worked 3 jobs to provide for me and my siblings. She made a lot of sacrifices. I know she loves all of us, although I'd say I'm by far the favorite. And really I can't blame her there. But I can't say we are particularly close. Hell, I can't have a 5 minute conversation with her without wanting to hang myself. In fact, any conversation with my mother is rather painful because Mom can't stay on topic. By that I mean, I could be talking about a play that the Tween is in and Mom veers off onto government conspiracy. Half the time she can't focus her thoughts. On a good day a conversation with her goes something like this:

*ring, ring* I look at my caller ID. Shit, it's Mom. *press ignore* Five minutes later *ring, ring*
Me: "Hello?"
<dead air>
Me: "Hello? Mom?"
<silence>
Mom: *clears throat three times* "Hello?"
Me: "Yes mom?"
Mom: "Who is this? Is Bitch there? I thought I was calling Bitch."
Me: "Mom, it is me."
Mom: "Oh....."
Me (getting exasperated by now): "What did you need, Mom?"
Mom: "Huh?"
Me: "MOM, Why.did.you.call?"
Mom: "Oh yeah, I wanted to ask you a question..............................."
Me: *sigh* "And that question is....?"
Mom: "Are the girls safe? Where's Baby Shit?"
Me: "Yes the girls are safe, and Baby Shit is napping in her crib."
Mom: "Are you sure? I had a premonition. She was in the bleach under the kitchen cabinet. Was the cabinet locked? Oh god! Go check on her, right now!"

In case you can't tell by that last bit of conversation, Mom thinks she's psychic. The amazing thing is, she can predict things that really happen.....but it's always after the fact. For example, an airplane crashes. Mom calls me and said, "I knew that was going to happen. I dreamed about it. If only I had seen the plane number I could have helped them by calling the airline and telling them they needed to cancel the flight. I couldn't get the plane number though. The plane didn't look quite right, it looked like a paper airplane, but I saw it crash. The meaning is the same." Right.....

In addition to being an after-the-fact psychic, Mom sees dead people. If she can't see them, she can feel their spirit. Mom has had many a conversation with ghosts that apparently lived with us over the years in various houses we moved to. Imagine a 9 year old child being told a headless ghost hangs out in the house and then leaving that kid home alone...at night. That's a fucking disaster in the making. I should know. I was that 9 year old child. 911 doesn't take you seriously when you call to report a ghost terrorizing you even though you're scared out of your fucking mind, shaking and barely controlling your bladder. Now I think "talking to dead people" is actually Mom having conversations with the voices in her head.

Mom is an expert on many things. Don't cough in front of her because she will diagnose you. And god forbid you fart and it smells funny because she'll think you're dying of something. See, Mom was once a medical transcriptionist. She wrote up doctor's diagnosis based on their voice recorded notes and now she thinks she's qualified to diagnose anyone. Oh, and while being a medical transcriptionist, she learned a lot about medications so don't get her started on big pharma's because she'll let you know what a bunch of crooks they are. This from a woman addicted to Vicodin and a few other pain meds. Irony, anyone?

Every kid thinks their parents are strange. I know my mom is strange. And crazy. Certifuckingfiable crazy. I have my suspicions that too much pot and maybe a few bad acid trips before I was born started her downward spiral. As the years have gone on, more of her mind has tripped out. Even the Tween knows Maw Maw is "different." For several years now the Tween and I have joked that Maw Maw is the Mayor of her own little Funny Farm, population: 1.

Mom is coming to visit for 5 days. She'll be here tonight and I'm not thrilled. She hasn't even arrived and already I'm looking forward to her leaving. Don't get me wrong, I love her and miss her, and I'm glad she's coming to visit because the Shits have really missed her since her January visit. But the only way I'm going to make it through the next 5 days is by heavily self-medicating. In fact, I've gotta go to the store right.this.instant so I can stock up on provisions - liquor.