Boo you!

After tucking Baby Shit into bed, Little Shit, the Tween and I went to "Boo" 2 houses in the neighborhood.  

In case you don't know what it means to "Boo" someone, during the month of October you sneak up to a house and leave a bag of treats on the doorstep then ring the doorbell and run like hell.  

With my college football team winning today you could say I've done a little (lot) celebrating (drinking) so I decided to keep to the shadows and let the kids do the tricking. The people in the 1st house we hit must have been anticipating a booing (or had been ding-dong-ditched a lot) because the Tween and Little Shit barely cleared the reach of the porch light when the front door was thrown open and the dad and 2 kids came barreling outside. The dad looked around for a few minutes until the kids noticed the bag of treats. As soon as the front door shut the Tween and Little Shit ran across the front yard IN THE LIGHT and the dad threw the door back open, yelling "caught ya little bastards!" My kids froze. Absolutely froze. I stayed back (sipping my beer), and listened as the Tween thought fast on her feet and responded to his question of whether or not they were the culprits. She gave a pretty convincing explanation of why her and Little Shit happened to be there right at that same moment. And then....Little Shit started giggling. Then it was full blown laughter. She looked at the neighbor and blew their cover with "Tween is just kidding! It was us!!!" More giggles from Little Shit as Tween yelled at her that she couldn't say that. I took another sip of beer and waited until the girls joined me. 

 As we headed to the next house, both girls talking excitedly about how they just got busted, I heard my phone beep and checked my text messages..."Did that scare the kids or what? I thought [Tween] was going to crap herself when she was busted for lying." Ah yes, it's so much fun when the neighbors play along.

I'm honored...?

I recently had a really awkward conversation with an acquaintance. It started with her calling me up to let me know she was pregnant. Great! So happy for you! Blah blah blah.

They hadn't broadcast the news through social media posts yet. Which meant I was one of the privileged to hear it straight from her mouth. An honor normally reserved for close friends, right? Weird! You are probably thinking, "Bitch, what's weird about that?" Well, let me fucking enlighten you.

Many years ago this particular broad and I were very close. Close enough that I asked her to be in my wedding. To which she responded by dropping out of my life. No contact. No phone calls. No text messages. No emails. And I couldn't figure out what the hell had happened. I was stumped. I was hurt. And as time went on I was pissed. A mutual friend later filled me in that the ambitions of the broad's own soon-to-be husband lead to the end of our friendship. She was apparently too good to be associated with me. The couple of times I saw the broad in public, she stuck her nose in the air and walked the other way.

Fast forward many years later when she re-entered my life because Dickhead forced the issue. Having been childhood friends with her siblings, he wanted to hang out with them again and I had to go. I managed to blow off the first few get-togethers, but eventually I ran out of steam. Each time Dickhead returned from hanging out he'd lay it on thick how the broad asked about me and wanted to reach out to me, but didn't know how I would react. Well, I found out soon enough when I joined him at one of these little social events. I'll be fucking damned if she didn't run up and try to hug me, acting like we were long lost friends. Oh, twat waffle, not a good move. I stiff armed her, stopping her in her tracks. I don't do fakey-fake shit. With my first snarky comment Dickhead pulled me aside and told me to behave. By the time we left the inside of my cheeks were raw from biting them to keep my mouth shut.

Since that time I've managed to avoid the twat for the most part. But some occasions come up where I simply can't. She's gotten less annoying, but each attempt she has made to get close has resulted in me stonewalling her. Now why would I do that? Because the cunt hasn't attempted to discuss what the fuck went down. She hasn't apologized for abandoning someone she called a "best friend". If that's her version of being a best friend, she has a long way to go. First step would be graduating from that elementary school mindset.

This leads to the rest of my awkward conversation regarding the baby news. The twat proceeds to tell me the name she has picked out. Wait for it.....COTTON! Yes, Cotton. As in Cotton Ball, Cotton Schwab. Cotton. What an awful name. I can't stop hearing the lyrics "Where did you come from, where did you go? Where did you come from, Cotton-Eye Joe?" You're welcome by the way, for me getting that stuck in your head. Then the double whammy comes. "I want the middle name to be your name". Bitch say what?!? I couldn't stop myself. "First, why the hell would you name your child something that kids are going to make fun of? Do you want to scar your kid for life? Second, you are obviously one delusional bitch if you think naming your kid after me is a good idea. We aren't good enough friends for that honor. You destroyed that a long time ago. Naming your child after me isn't going to bring that back. Pull your head out of your ass." Silence. Awkward silence. "Congratulations on the pregnancy though." *click* The dial tone in my ear was the indicator that my message was heard loud and clear. Maybe not received, but heard.

Do I feel like an asshole? Not really. Should I? That's debatable. What is absolute though, is that I can hold my head high that I'm not a fake Bitch.

Therapy for dealing with sucky people

I had an overwhelming urge lately to clean up my friend lists on social media. A lot of it stemmed from being bombarded with stupid ass status updates, but mainly updates that were so hypocritical of who the person really is that I couldn't stand to even see their name. Don't get me wrong, everyone has hypocritical moments. The key to that being "moments". I'm talking about the assholes that are so self-righteously hypocritical that you don't understand how they live one way while talking out of their ass and judging everyone else. That sort of bullshit pisses me off.

A friend of Dickhead's once stopped talking to him for a long while. I'll call this friend "Asshole". Asshole spent a lot of time with us, hanging out at our house, and thought Dickhead didn't pull his weight enough around our home. So he blasted Dickhead as a horrible husband and father - he is neither even though he can be a, well, a dickhead - and went all self-righteous. Yet the same friend's wife and I were friends. She confided in me all the time about their relationship. Believe me when I say their shit stank. And as awful as Asshole was to her, he was still my friend as well and I wouldn't have thought of dumping on him other than when I called him on his shit to his face. But when the asshole decided he "was tired of the way Dickhead treated (me)" they parted ways. I guess you could say "we were on a break".

Fast forward a while later when they re-entered our lives because Dickhead isn't one to hold grudges. Hug, hug, kiss, kiss, make up. Bullshit. All that happened was Asshole tried to treat us both like shit and his wife was buying into it! I guess during our "breakup" he realized how much his wife confided in me, and how much I knew about his hypocritical behavior. She must have been embarrassed for letting the cat out of the bag. It's the only explanation I can come up with for her change in behavior. Asshole turned up the charm (read the sarcasm there Bitches) and acted like a real asshat. For Dickhead's sake in the friendship I tried to bite my tongue, but as many people know that doesn't work well for me and it sure didn't last long. I ended up going off on Asshole and his spineless wife too. By this time I was done with the fake bullshit.

For some reason though, I never deleted either of them from my friend's list. I began noticing a lot of biblical quotes and lovey-dovey quotes on their pages daily and it made me want to fucking barf. Dickhead noticed the same thing. When he read me a particularly disgusting post calling others out on their relationships I had had enough. I proceeded to reply with my comments of their shitty behavior and point out the hypocrisy I saw. Of course my comments weren't allowed to stay up long before they were deleted. I got my "fuck you" in though before I deleted the assholes from my friend's list.

And once I got started, there was no stopping me. I cleaned out the rest of the asshats that I have grown tired of reading idiotic posts from. I didn't make an announcement on my personal page - what purpose does that serve? "Hey, I cleaned up my friend's list and you made the cut!" Dumb. Fucking dumb. It does nothing to let the person that you deleted know your action was done on purpose. Instead, as I deleted each asshole I shot off a little message letting them know. Fuck you, kiss my ass, fuck you, bye bye, walk off a cliff, you suck. Talk about therapeutic!

I don't know about you, but I feel a lot better now.

Ps. I don't recommend this type of therapy for everyone.