Baby naming rights revoked!

After last week’s baby naming incident I couldn’t help but share that stupid ass name with a few friends. Over drinks we bullshitted and shared other brilliant names that we have come across. I shit you not, these names have been used!

Momma destined me….to be a stripper

• Mystery – So aptly named because her momma had slept with so many men, it was a “mystery” who the daddy was.
• Treasure – Do I need to provide an explanation? Poor kid will be called “treasure chest” when her boobs come in.

Actually….Mystery’s mom, although obviously fucked up, is kind of a genius when you think about it.

Mom and Dad are assholes

Some parents are just asshats that think it’s funny to put certain name combinations together. For instance, they have the last name “Brown” so they name their son “Charlie”. Not cute, mom and dad! Here are a few from asshats who were trying to be clever.

• Richard Head – Way to go mom and dad...your kid will always be known as Dick Head (and not my fondly referred to “Dickhead”).
• Marsha Mallow – Hope she wasn’t white, fluffy and puffy.

Some people are just fucking idiots

• Female (pronounced fee-malee) – The mom thought the "hospital named the baby for her. It said so on the bracelet.” In the twat’s defense, she was Hispanic and maybe didn’t understand.
• Shithead (pronounced SHA-THEED) – I have no words for this level of stupidity and cruelty.

I realize people want something unique – something to make their child stand out in the crowd. But does it have to be done at the child’s expense? The poor kid is the one that has to live with the choice his or her parents made.

Seriously, parents need to grow the hell up. Names are not a contest. You aren’t going to receive a fucking award for the most creative name. “Oh, you named your son after an Aztec god? Well, gee mom, Quatzequatel must be terribly thrilled to have the hardest goddamned name to spell in his kindergarten class! Even the teacher gets so flustered trying to pronounce it and spell it that she calls him “Q”. Here’s your fucking award. Aren’t you proud?” Yep. That’s not going to happen.

So, Bitches, here’s how you can help end this horrible trend. The next time a friend tells you she’s pregnant and gives you a name that stops you in your tracks, please bitch slap her. Kidding. No violence please. But pull your Bitch badge out of your purse and let her know what a stupid. fucking. idea she has. Steer her away from the name nicely if you have a hard time being blunt with an emotionally unstable pregnant lady, but for the love of god and for the kid’s sake, don’t let the stupidity go on.

I'm honored...?

I recently had a really awkward conversation with an acquaintance. It started with her calling me up to let me know she was pregnant. Great! So happy for you! Blah blah blah.

They hadn't broadcast the news through social media posts yet. Which meant I was one of the privileged to hear it straight from her mouth. An honor normally reserved for close friends, right? Weird! You are probably thinking, "Bitch, what's weird about that?" Well, let me fucking enlighten you.

Many years ago this particular broad and I were very close. Close enough that I asked her to be in my wedding. To which she responded by dropping out of my life. No contact. No phone calls. No text messages. No emails. And I couldn't figure out what the hell had happened. I was stumped. I was hurt. And as time went on I was pissed. A mutual friend later filled me in that the ambitions of the broad's own soon-to-be husband lead to the end of our friendship. She was apparently too good to be associated with me. The couple of times I saw the broad in public, she stuck her nose in the air and walked the other way.

Fast forward many years later when she re-entered my life because Dickhead forced the issue. Having been childhood friends with her siblings, he wanted to hang out with them again and I had to go. I managed to blow off the first few get-togethers, but eventually I ran out of steam. Each time Dickhead returned from hanging out he'd lay it on thick how the broad asked about me and wanted to reach out to me, but didn't know how I would react. Well, I found out soon enough when I joined him at one of these little social events. I'll be fucking damned if she didn't run up and try to hug me, acting like we were long lost friends. Oh, twat waffle, not a good move. I stiff armed her, stopping her in her tracks. I don't do fakey-fake shit. With my first snarky comment Dickhead pulled me aside and told me to behave. By the time we left the inside of my cheeks were raw from biting them to keep my mouth shut.

Since that time I've managed to avoid the twat for the most part. But some occasions come up where I simply can't. She's gotten less annoying, but each attempt she has made to get close has resulted in me stonewalling her. Now why would I do that? Because the cunt hasn't attempted to discuss what the fuck went down. She hasn't apologized for abandoning someone she called a "best friend". If that's her version of being a best friend, she has a long way to go. First step would be graduating from that elementary school mindset.

This leads to the rest of my awkward conversation regarding the baby news. The twat proceeds to tell me the name she has picked out. Wait for it.....COTTON! Yes, Cotton. As in Cotton Ball, Cotton Schwab. Cotton. What an awful name. I can't stop hearing the lyrics "Where did you come from, where did you go? Where did you come from, Cotton-Eye Joe?" You're welcome by the way, for me getting that stuck in your head. Then the double whammy comes. "I want the middle name to be your name". Bitch say what?!? I couldn't stop myself. "First, why the hell would you name your child something that kids are going to make fun of? Do you want to scar your kid for life? Second, you are obviously one delusional bitch if you think naming your kid after me is a good idea. We aren't good enough friends for that honor. You destroyed that a long time ago. Naming your child after me isn't going to bring that back. Pull your head out of your ass." Silence. Awkward silence. "Congratulations on the pregnancy though." *click* The dial tone in my ear was the indicator that my message was heard loud and clear. Maybe not received, but heard.

Do I feel like an asshole? Not really. Should I? That's debatable. What is absolute though, is that I can hold my head high that I'm not a fake Bitch.