I kissed a...boy?..and I liked it

The Tween was searching her bag for Chapstick while we drove to meet her dad. As she applied it she looked at me and said, "I don't think guys should put Chapstick on in public. It's really disturbing. They need to do that in private."

This surprised me so I asked why she had a problem with Chapstick and guys. It's not like we were talking about guys wearing lip gloss or lipstick. "Well this one guy at daddy's church applies his Chapstick during service and he's all like <mimics a loose woman trying to be sexy by applying lipstick>."

I busted out laughing and told her that wasn't fair to all guys that one man's technique grossed her out. The Tween rolled her eyes at me because I obviously didn't get it.

When we met up with my ex-husband and were discussing upcoming events for the Tween, she interrupted us and asked, "Daddy, don't you think guys shouldn't apply Chapstick in public?" I started laughing at his perplexed look and gave a brief explanation.

Then, he looked at the Tween and said, "If a man wearing Chapstick bothers you then I better not tell you what I did last night while playing a game with a group of [church] friends." Of course the Tween perked up at this and, knowing my bible thumping ex and his hypocritical tendencies, my interest was also piqued.

My ex-husband proceeds to tell our daughter that a challenge in the game was for him to kiss someone else playing, but not his spouse. (What the hell kind of game were they playing??) Rather than kissing one of the other women playing and upsetting his own wife, he decided to kiss one of the guys. The Tweens eyes were bugging out of her head..."OMG DADDY! You kissed a GUY?!?"

He confirmed he did and then explained he kissed the guy's neck...near his ear. What. the. fuck? Did he really think that was better than a quick peck on the lips or the cheek?? A kiss on the neck is pretty intimate. Then the ex-hole floored the Tween with, "In hindsight I should have taken the point deduction rather than do the kiss."

It was obvious this disturbed the Tween because she pulled me to the side and whispered furiously to me. As we headed back to the ex-hole I pulled some lip gloss out of my purse and asked if his boyfriend prefers cherry or mint flavor. The Tween thought it was funny....the ex not so much.

Therapy for dealing with sucky people

I had an overwhelming urge lately to clean up my friend lists on social media. A lot of it stemmed from being bombarded with stupid ass status updates, but mainly updates that were so hypocritical of who the person really is that I couldn't stand to even see their name. Don't get me wrong, everyone has hypocritical moments. The key to that being "moments". I'm talking about the assholes that are so self-righteously hypocritical that you don't understand how they live one way while talking out of their ass and judging everyone else. That sort of bullshit pisses me off.

A friend of Dickhead's once stopped talking to him for a long while. I'll call this friend "Asshole". Asshole spent a lot of time with us, hanging out at our house, and thought Dickhead didn't pull his weight enough around our home. So he blasted Dickhead as a horrible husband and father - he is neither even though he can be a, well, a dickhead - and went all self-righteous. Yet the same friend's wife and I were friends. She confided in me all the time about their relationship. Believe me when I say their shit stank. And as awful as Asshole was to her, he was still my friend as well and I wouldn't have thought of dumping on him other than when I called him on his shit to his face. But when the asshole decided he "was tired of the way Dickhead treated (me)" they parted ways. I guess you could say "we were on a break".

Fast forward a while later when they re-entered our lives because Dickhead isn't one to hold grudges. Hug, hug, kiss, kiss, make up. Bullshit. All that happened was Asshole tried to treat us both like shit and his wife was buying into it! I guess during our "breakup" he realized how much his wife confided in me, and how much I knew about his hypocritical behavior. She must have been embarrassed for letting the cat out of the bag. It's the only explanation I can come up with for her change in behavior. Asshole turned up the charm (read the sarcasm there Bitches) and acted like a real asshat. For Dickhead's sake in the friendship I tried to bite my tongue, but as many people know that doesn't work well for me and it sure didn't last long. I ended up going off on Asshole and his spineless wife too. By this time I was done with the fake bullshit.

For some reason though, I never deleted either of them from my friend's list. I began noticing a lot of biblical quotes and lovey-dovey quotes on their pages daily and it made me want to fucking barf. Dickhead noticed the same thing. When he read me a particularly disgusting post calling others out on their relationships I had had enough. I proceeded to reply with my comments of their shitty behavior and point out the hypocrisy I saw. Of course my comments weren't allowed to stay up long before they were deleted. I got my "fuck you" in though before I deleted the assholes from my friend's list.

And once I got started, there was no stopping me. I cleaned out the rest of the asshats that I have grown tired of reading idiotic posts from. I didn't make an announcement on my personal page - what purpose does that serve? "Hey, I cleaned up my friend's list and you made the cut!" Dumb. Fucking dumb. It does nothing to let the person that you deleted know your action was done on purpose. Instead, as I deleted each asshole I shot off a little message letting them know. Fuck you, kiss my ass, fuck you, bye bye, walk off a cliff, you suck. Talk about therapeutic!

I don't know about you, but I feel a lot better now.

Ps. I don't recommend this type of therapy for everyone.

Now who's showing some bad behavior?

My mother-in-law is not amused right now. She's forever trying to refine my kids - probably because they take after me. The toddler said (very proudly) "I just farted, mommy!" MIL said, "Tooted. 'Fart' is not a nice word. Little girls don't say 'fart'." With hands on her hips the little shit looked at my MIL and said very matter-of-factly "It was LOUD, Nana. It was a FART." Score one for the little shit.

Fast forward a few days later...

The mother-in-law is fuming. First we had the whole "toot vs. fart" thing over the weekend where my toddler scored some major (fart) points. Tonight I told the little shit it was bath time so she stripped down naked in the living room and yelled "Nana, can you see my butt crack?!" Luckily I was in the kitchen and able to disguise my loud guffaw with running water and a ill-timed cough. The Dickhead started laughing until his mom started in on how ugly that was and what bad manners my toddler was displaying. Then he started getting on to our toddler. Now hold the fuck up! The little shit was only repeating something she heard one of us say. And I guarantee "butt crack" was a lot less worse than the night before when the MIL said the Dickhead needed a butt plug for all of his tooting. And of course last night the little shit was running around all night saying "butt plug" while Nana cackled. You can't laugh at one thing and get mad at her for the other. Now who's showing some bad behavior?