Thirteen years ago life shit all over me

Tween Shit is no longer! She's 13 muthafuckin' years old now. Bend me over and ass fuck me with a rake because I have a feeling that would be less painful than the upcoming teen years.

13 years ago my crotch fruit sprang forth from my veej. Well, actually she was cut out of my stomach, but you get the idea. 13 years ago my life was forever changed when I brought that sweet little baby that resem...bled a wrinkled old man home from the hospital...where she projectile vomited and squirted runny shit all over me.

13 years ago + the pregnancy months of which the first trimester was pure hell with horrible morning sickness, my weekends of binge drinking and dancing on the bar tables became me fumbling through the darkened hallway to stuff a sore nipple into the crying asshole's mouth.

13 years of my life that I wouldn't trade for anything. Except now that TEEN Shit has arrived, I question if the parental shit can be reversed. Obviously I can't shove Tween back into my vaginal opening - she didn't rip out of it so there's no way I'd attempt shoving anything like that back up there - but maybe I can be excused from the following years and re-enter when she's graduating college.

Where the fuck is my magic lantern....and no Dickhead, you can't convince me that rubbing your dick will make a genie appear to give me a wish that's granted when his magic juice explodes. That's how I got in this predicament 13 years ago with my ex-asshole.

Happy Birthday, TEEN Shit. Here's to many more awesome fucking memories. Give your dad all the hell. Mmmmkay?

You call that a compromise?

Dickhead and I have gone 'round and 'round about tubal ligation vs vasectomy. I've had 3 c-sections and refuse to get my tubes tied. My birth control is causing issues ranging from RAPID weight gain and 2 periods per month (who the fuck wants to deal with that??) to skin discoloration aka hyper-pigmentation on my face. I told DH last week that I'm done with birth control and the side effects so when this pack runs out he'll need to buy condoms because we aren't having unprotected sex...or he can schedule a vasectomy. DH isn't thrilled about using condoms and I'm on my sugar pill week so he better figure it out. Well, tonight he approached me with a compromise:

Option 1: Stay on birth control and get liposuction and tummy tuck no vasectomy

Option 2: Go off birth control and get back to my pre pregnancy weight (lose 20 lbs) and he'll get a vasectomy

Both options piss me off. What, did you think he was being generous? Let me point out the error in your thought.

Option 1 came with the stipulation that I get my part of the benefit WHEN we can afford it - which is right now but he won't admit that - so he can string me along. Meanwhile he doesn't have to wear condoms or do anything on his part.

Option 2 came with the stipulation that he does't have to get a vasectomy UNTIL I reach the goal he set for me...he's counting on me not getting back into pre pregnancy shape.

Dickhead has made a huge error in judgement in approaching me with these "compromises." We'll see how long it takes him to get tired of date nights with his fists.