Clusterfucked Christmas Program

The entire family just returned home from Little Shit's Pre-K Christmas program. We arrived early and snagged seats right in the middle of the front row. While we waited for the program to start, Baby Shit crawled around on the gym floor, danced and sang her own version of several popular Christmas songs. A few times, in her sugar-hyped state, she would jump in the air and fall on her ass. Baby Shit would announce her clumsiness by shouting "Oh dammit! I falled down!" To which I'd hide my face on Dickhead's shoulder in an attempt to disguise my giggles. A grandma approached with her grandson who was Baby Shit's age so they could play. The first time Baby Shit fell and yelled out "oh dammit I felled" the grandma tittered, but let the kids keep playing. After the third time she caught on that Baby Shit really just liked yelling "oh dammit." So she grabbed her grandson and hastily retreated to the safety of their seats....several rows away.

After all the parents, siblings and grandparents of 64 pre-k kids were jammed in the gym, our precious little shits made their grand entrance.

Cue the gong show...while it was a cute clusterfuck of 4-5 year old kids and teachers in their pajamas dancing and singing songs, they barely knew the words. But it was entertaining. Especially when Baby Shit joined in—at the top of her lungs—and made up words when she didn't know them. Taking a cue from Baby Shit, the Pre-K kids started making up words and the entire program became a fucking train wreck.

Best Christmas program ever. Ever.

Let's fucking go!

I was sitting on the shitter after sneaking in the garage after work, minding my own business and trying to DO my business when I heard a shocked Tween yell "You can't say that!" to Little Shit who immediately burst into tears complete with uncontrollable sobbing. Then I heard the Tween trying to shush her only for the volume of sobbing to increase to an uncomfortable level - like a goddamned siren. Fuck me. My peaceful, toilet clogging shit needed to be put on hold. Like a responsible mom I pinched the loaf and headed into the living room to determine what the problem was.

All hell was breaking loose when I interrupted. After shutting everyone up I asked the Tween what the problem was. "SHE said a VERY VERY bad word!" The Tween accused and crossed her arms smugly waiting for me to flip my shit. I looked at Little Shit who was glaring daggers at her older sister and looking like she wanted to rip her head off and crap down her throat. Whoa! My toddler looked E-V-I-L. After some coaxing Little Shit finally told me what went down.

"Tween said we were going outside to play on the swing set but she wouldn't go outside because she was playing her iPad. I kept asking really nice, mommy. I asked really nice." Cue the big eyes tearing up from Little Shit and an exasperated sigh from the Tween. "So I told her we needed to go and tried to grab her iPad and she pushed me so I grabbed her and said..." at this pout Little Shit juts her chin out and stands her ground like zero fucks are given "let's fucking go!" At the look on my face Little Shit's zero fucks attitude falters..."is that bad mommy? I heard you tell daddy that earlier."

I'm in my room now with a bottle of wine and a straw, coping with the circus I live.

Little Shit's swim lesson

Little Shit started swim lessons this week - 2 mornings per week. I wasn't able to go today since I had a conflict with work meetings so Nana took her. Apparently Little Shit was beside herself upset when the instructor was aggressive with her and pulled her into the water. I got a text message play-by-play from Nana who watched from the "parent's room." Once the lesson ended and they were in the car, Nana asked Little Shit how she liked swim lessons. Little Shit replied that she hated it. When Nana asked her why she hated it Little Shit replied, "That crazy bitch pulled me under water and scared the crap out of me, Nana." According to Nana that response startled her and made her jump a curb in her Cadillac. Trying to not flip out over Little Shit's language, Nana asked her why she would say such a thing. Little Shit promptly replied with, "that's what mommy would have said about that crazy bitch!"

....I'm in time out this evening.