Clusterfucked Christmas Program

The entire family just returned home from Little Shit's Pre-K Christmas program. We arrived early and snagged seats right in the middle of the front row. While we waited for the program to start, Baby Shit crawled around on the gym floor, danced and sang her own version of several popular Christmas songs. A few times, in her sugar-hyped state, she would jump in the air and fall on her ass. Baby Shit would announce her clumsiness by shouting "Oh dammit! I falled down!" To which I'd hide my face on Dickhead's shoulder in an attempt to disguise my giggles. A grandma approached with her grandson who was Baby Shit's age so they could play. The first time Baby Shit fell and yelled out "oh dammit I felled" the grandma tittered, but let the kids keep playing. After the third time she caught on that Baby Shit really just liked yelling "oh dammit." So she grabbed her grandson and hastily retreated to the safety of their seats....several rows away.

After all the parents, siblings and grandparents of 64 pre-k kids were jammed in the gym, our precious little shits made their grand entrance.

Cue the gong show...while it was a cute clusterfuck of 4-5 year old kids and teachers in their pajamas dancing and singing songs, they barely knew the words. But it was entertaining. Especially when Baby Shit joined in—at the top of her lungs—and made up words when she didn't know them. Taking a cue from Baby Shit, the Pre-K kids started making up words and the entire program became a fucking train wreck.

Best Christmas program ever. Ever.

Little Shit's swim lesson

Little Shit started swim lessons this week - 2 mornings per week. I wasn't able to go today since I had a conflict with work meetings so Nana took her. Apparently Little Shit was beside herself upset when the instructor was aggressive with her and pulled her into the water. I got a text message play-by-play from Nana who watched from the "parent's room." Once the lesson ended and they were in the car, Nana asked Little Shit how she liked swim lessons. Little Shit replied that she hated it. When Nana asked her why she hated it Little Shit replied, "That crazy bitch pulled me under water and scared the crap out of me, Nana." According to Nana that response startled her and made her jump a curb in her Cadillac. Trying to not flip out over Little Shit's language, Nana asked her why she would say such a thing. Little Shit promptly replied with, "that's what mommy would have said about that crazy bitch!"

....I'm in time out this evening.

I cuss like a fucking lady!

I love to cuss! There. I said it. In case you didn't know before, well, now you do. Asshole. Shitbag, fuckity uppity judgmental twat sitting there with your ankles crossed, your head held high, staring down your nose at my crudeness. Good for you with your boring goody goodness and stupid wholesomeness. I'm sure you're a god dammed riot in the sack. "Oh, Johnny, put it in me. Touch me there...yea, pound my pee hole! Can I hold your love stick?" I hope you like missionary position, because that's the best fucking you're going to get with that boring personality. Meanwhile, Johnny's hiding in the bathroom fist-pumping away to the porn on his smart phone.

I shit you not, it's been tried.

Obviously bad words flow from my mouth like verbal diarrhea. Some have tried to stop the leakage, but they usually throw their hands in the air and walk away in disgust...but not before I've gotten in their heads and mouths and caused them to toss out a few expletives of their own. I'll be honest...that brings me great joy. Knowing I've gotten to someone that way. I love rubbing off on someone - and not just in a sexual way. *wink*

Seriously, why the hell do cuss words bother people so much? Repeat after me: words are words made by man, they have no bearing on life other than the enjoyment they give (me) to say them.

I especially love that word FUCK. I fucking love the shit out of the word "fuck." I'll throw a "fuck" or two into a business meeting like the guys do just to see eyes bulge. Why does it bother people? Because I'm sitting there in my business suit, with my perfectly done hair and my manicured nails, looking like someone that should be sniffing flowers rather rolling in the mud with the boys. Who says it's not lady-like to cuss? I'm a fucking lady, dammit!