Well that's a real pisser!

Last night's BBQ was pretty fucking epic, only we didn't realize exactly how motherfucking epic until this morning. 

After all the kids went home and were tucked in bed, the adults continued sitting in our driveway shooting the shit and drinking. I was several bottles of wine into the evening, and loud as usual when a lone figure came walking down our street with a dog. When he got closer we realized it was the goddamn President of our Homeowner's Association. A collective groan went up along with some exclamations of "fuck!", "shit", "you gotta be motherfucking kidding me" (mostly from me) as we all assumed a certain asshat crybaby dickwad in the neighborhood must have complained about the noise while secretly crying about being left out. 

Turns out HOA Prezi was just out for a stroll with his dog, and beer, and thought he'd head over for a few rounds with the cool muthafuckas in the hood. 

At some point in our conversation the topic of drugs came up - not like 'hey, let's buy some drugs and get high', but in the way of comparing stupid youthful experimentation. When hallucinogenics were brought up I explained my cheap and legal way of getting a thrill by forcing myself to stay awake after taking Ambien. Prezi's face perked up and he said he'd love to try that. He was so insistent about it that I finally got out my bottle of the amazeballs sleep aid/hallucinogen. 

This motherfucker poured one into his hand and immediately sucked down a full beer. Whoa! He was serious about getting fucked up. About ten minutes later he picked the bottle up and was shaking it. My attention was diverted when I laughed at something Dickhead's bromance said, and Prezi took the opportunity to pop another Ambien. I caught it out of the corner of my eye and busted him out. "Well, shit," he said, "the first one wasn't working so I thought I'd speed it up." I told Prezi he better start heading home or his dog would be dragging him by the leash soon and he'd have one pissed off wife. 

We were still sitting there talking another ten minutes later. Prezi was telling a highly animated story, when suddenly it was lights out. The fucker slumped over, dropped his beer and passed the fuck out. His dog, relaxing by his shit-faced owner's feet, jumped up when the beer got on him. So much for the goddamn story Prezi was telling!

After much discussion by the guys it was decided that they'd drag Prezi's ass into our house and let him sleep it off on the couch. Bromance was to walk the dog back to Prezi's and explain the situation to his wife so she wouldn't be worried that her idiot husband had disappeared or was out sticking his dick where it didn't belong. It took three fucking guys to carry Prezi's dead weight into our house. The dog was going ballistic over seeing his owner being taken away. 

After cleaning up from the party and locking the house up for the night I peeked in on Little Shit and Baby Shit, then laughed as the dead to the world asshole on my couch snored so loud it could have shook the glass in the living room windows. 

Early this morning the little shits came to our bedroom to wake us for breakfast - I'll be sofuckinghappy when they can get their own shit. Their shock at finding someone on our couch was hysterical. Baby Shit's exact words were "What the..... Mommy, there's a man there!" While taking Little Shit potty I heard Prezi stir and I walked into the living room as he looked around bewildered saying "Where the FUCK am I?" Baby Shit echoed him with "Yeah, where the fuck?!"

At the same time I got a text message from Bromance that the dog was out on my front porch. That confused me as he had taken the dog home last night. But whatever....I had a disoriented and probably still drunk asshole to get out of my house. After reuniting Prezi and his dog outside I noticed his shorts were wet. The motherfucker had pissed himself. GODDAMN! That meant he peed on my fucking specially ordered leather couch. 

I ran back inside to confirm that yep, he'd lost control of his urine all over the fucking place while passed out. Son of a bitch! But I can't entirely hate on the crotch nugget as I myself pissed the guest bed at a friend's house once after getting shit-faced. Let me just say though....

I made Dickhead clean up the penis leakage while I texted Bromance about the urination. His response was "This has to be the wildest fucking night we've had in a long time! Prezi's wife wouldn't answer the door so I brought his dog to my house and it ended up getting in bed with us - it was the only way to calm the dog down!" 

So I've had a man pee on my couch, Bromance and his wife had another male in their bed...albeit a dog. And I've had the shits all day from all the wine consumed. All in all, an epic fucking party.

Sisterly love is the shit

Hold on to your panties! My little sister (Scrub), her husband (Big Daddy), and their 4 year old daughter (Little Scrub) are moving only a mile away from the Bitch household in a little over a month. Scrub came up from Texas to house hunt this past week while her husband stayed home to work....that's been a fucking adventure.

For example...

The other day we were walking through a home that was still under construction, but close to completion. Scrub's realtor was in another room while the neighborhood agent (a humorless stuck up twatwaffle with sand up her vajajay who had already irritated me with her snotty superior attitude towards Scrub) was in the kitchen. With no carpet down yet every noise echoed.

I walked into the master bathroom and quickly pointed out the flaw - "The shitter is right next to the muthafuckin' glass door shower! There's no little room for it. How're you going to feel about Big Daddy dropping a deuce and scrubbing his asshole clean while you're showering? Are you cool with no privacy? Cause that's what you'll be facing if you buy this one. I mean, Big Daddy may get his rocks off watching you shower from the front row crapper but it's not my kind of thing. Is it yours?"

Scrub looked at me with horror on her face. "Sshhh! Oh mah gawd! They'll hear you!" Of course she's referring to the real estate vultures in the other rooms.

And of course I continued on, "I love that Dickhead's poop air is enclosed in the toilet room on the opposite side of our bathroom with the fan pumping the stench out of the room."

"Stop being disgusting!" Scrub said.

"Look, I know you fart glitter, shit rose petals and whatnot, but these men take massive dumps. Dickhead once shit out a turd so big it looked like the one that elephant dropped the other day at the zoo. It clogged the toilet up and that was without toilet paper! It was impressive, I'm not going to lie."

Scrub stomped out of the room. Yeah, she's a fucking spoiled brat like that even now that we're adults. It's so cute when she gets embarrassed and pissy, stomping her feet and shit.

I don't have to deal with it like when we were kids, Big Daddy does. So I have free reign to fuck with her when I feel like it. What's she going to do? Tattle to mom? Ha! That didn't stop me even when we were little.

I followed Scrub out into the open floor kitchen/living room/dining room area where the agents had huddled together whispering (no doubt about my lack of class) but pretending to look over some papers. "Don't tell me Big Daddy doesn't leave streaks in the toilet bowl. Hell, I leave streaks! Seriously, do you want to get out of the shower and see that shit?"

Scrub's face became red and she hurried into another room. I turned to Scrub's married realtor. "Dude, do you have a separate room for the shitter at your house?" Pointing to the snooty neighborhood agent I added, "I guarantee you don't have a crapper next to your shower. From the looks of you I doubt you poop much. You look a little constipated right now. Fiber will help with that. But in all seriousness, don't you give these guy builders any feedback on floor plans? Men don't think about this crap and how little sense it makes. That's why you're here - to stage the houses and tell them when they fucked up a floor plan."

Sand Vagina had nothing to say but her stunned expression was lovely.

"But hey, other than the toilet/shower issue and the gawdawful paint choice in this great room, it's a nice house."I turned around to see Scrub had snuck back into the room. If looks could kill....

In uncomfortable silence (for everyone else, not me) we left. The sand vagina neighborhood agent climbed in her flashy luxury car and we departed in Scrub's realtor's vehicle. After a few minutes of quiet Scrub finally spoke up, "You had some good points about that house. But mainly that woman was a twat! I can't believe you said that shit. Wait, yeah I can." Then Scrub broke out in her hee-haw laughter and soon we were all cackling.

It's good to be the big sister.

 Yes, I tease Scrub mercilessly, but let some asshole douchecanoe twatwaffle thundercunt be rude to her, and I'm going to smack a ho down and put her in her place.

So back to the point of all of this - Scrub's family is leaving the hot dust bowl, shit hole town in TX where they've been for the last 4 years and moving a couple of states north. It's been a long time since we lived in the same fucking state, and even then it was hours apart. I don't know if this place is ready for the two of us. Hold on tight everyone!

Of course you're going to college!

Tonight while tucking Little Shit and Baby Shit in, my dear Little Shit was rather emotional. Apparently an episode of that fucker Super Why? has been weighing heavily on her mind. Super Why's brother went off to college and the episode was about how Super Why learned to deal with his brother leaving home.

LS: "Mommy, when I grow up I don't want to go to college."

Me: "Don't be silly! Of course you'll go to college."

LS: .... <hyperventilating> "Nooooooo! Mommy!" *cue the wailing* "I...<sob>...don't want...<deep breath>...to leave you.....EVvvvvvveeeerrrr!"

Me: <hyperventilating> Oh dear fucking gawd you've got to be shitting me, this little asshole is not living all of her life at home. "Aww sweetie, that's so cute of you. But seriously, you'll go to college then have a great job and meet someone you'll want to marry and one day have kids."

LS: "I nevvvvveeeer want to marry. Don't make me leave you!"

Me: <mental face palm> "Tell you what, you can live with mommy and daddy all your life. And one day you'll have to take care of us."

LS: <deep breath of relief> "Ok."

Me: "You'll take such good care of us. You'll have to wipe your daddy's ass when he starts wearing diapers, and give him baths because mommy will be too old to do it by that time. You may even need to change my diaper. Can you wipe my ass?"

LS: "No mommy! That's disgusting!"

Me: "Well, I wipe your ass. I do it because you can't right now and because I love you so I won't make you sit in poop. Can you do that for mommy?"

LS: ......"Can someone else do it?"

Me: "Baby Shit, could you wipe mommy's ass and change her diaper?"

BS: "Yessssshh mommy! I wipe your poopy booty! I drink your wine too."

Me: "Baby Shit, you can live with mommy forever."

LS: ......"Whatever. I'm going to find a husband and have babies and HE can wipe THEIR asses. Can I drink all the wine while he does that, mommy?"

That Little Shit, she catches on quick.

Well that was awkward...

Before running to the bathroom between meetings at work I slipped a tampon down my cleavage. After all, I didn't want to carry my purse with me and the maxi dress I'm wearing has no pockets. I wasn't going to walk around holding the damn tampon in my hand and draw attention to the bright yellow packaging.

On the way in the restroom door a male coworker, clueless as fuck that one should never interrupt a woman on a mission, wanted to discuss a situation with a client. While standing in the hall outside the toilet where I desperately needed to be, an executive joined the conversation. As usual I got a little animated while giving my two cents on the situation. Low and behold....a muthafucking tampon dropped between my legs and bounced to the toe of the executive. Both guys reached for it but recoiled as soon as they realized what the fuck they were reaching for.

Image from Cloudy, With A Chance Of Wine

From the looks on their faces you'd think it was a used vaj rag, not packaged and waiting to be inserted into my twat hole. Finally remembering that he had interrupted me on my way into the ladies' room, my coworker nudged the offensive tampon my way with his foot and said we could continue the discussion later, then both men hurried away. I'm amazed these guys get any pussy.

When it rains, it motherfuckin' pours

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Shit ain't funny so STFU

Last week Little Shit was hospitalized with a very nasty UTI and severe constipation. I don't mean a little constipation as in she hasn't pooped for a couple of days, I'm talking 3 enemas required to clean her ass out. We've been dealing with this shit (no pun intended) for more than 2 1/2 years. To put things simply, Little Shit has suffered through 35 UTI's and ongoing bowel problems. We've been through multiple specialists and some procedures. And we still don't have any good fucking answers. My sweet little girl has spent more time on antibiotics than I have in my entire life!

Dickhead, MIL and I were discussing Little Shit's upcoming months of treatment which will include a scope up her rectum and a biopsy. For the procedure the GI specialist is going to put Little Shit out. My fucking MIL smarted off that colonoscopies don't hurt, and she should know because she's had one and they didn't put her out.

Shut the fuck up you stupid fucking twatwaffle troll.

Oh, you had something slipped up your ass and it didn't hurt? Should I infer from that you've had a lot of experience at things getting shoved up your rectal cavity? You want a goddamn cookie? I've had my own colonoscopies. I know how this shit works. You don't remember the insertion because they give you drugs. Not to mention we're talking about a 5 year old kid—her granddaughter!

MIL wants something up her ass...she's going to find my foot planted so far up it she'll be wiping between her shoulder blades when she takes a shit. Her opinion and cuntsicle comments are not appreciated.

If you'd like to read more about Little Shit's issues, read last year's blog post: How fucking dare you!?

Life isn't fair. You gotta work for that shit.

Two weeks ago Teen Shit found herself in some deep doo doo. Just before the end of the school quarter I got notice that she had been goofing off and not turning in work. Normally an A and B student, she had one F and two D's. 

Oh. Hell. Nah!

Apparently, Teen thought turning 13 meant she was hot shit and could give zero fucks about school work. Dickhead and I sat her down and we had a 'pull your head out of your uber-privileged ass and put your nose to the grindstone to bring those goddamn grades up or fuck going to California on spring break with the rest of the family' talk. We told her she would spend her spring break with her dad and step-mom while we spent days on the beach, went to Hollywood and Disneyland.
 
Her mouth fell open and she started crying it wasn't fair. Wrong fucking thing to say to this Bitch. I don't give two flying fucks about Teen's definition of fair. I don't give one flying fuck. Not a single fuck is given. 'Not fair' is her fucking up our already paid for family spring break trip by jacking off and being a little fucking asshole not doing her school work. 'Not fair' is explaining to Little Shit and Baby Shit why their older sister wasn't going to be making sand castles with us.
 

I gave Teen one fucking chance to turn her shitty attitude around. She had to work her ass off for the trip. All the homework she had been ignoring had to be turned in and she had 1 week to get it all done, bring up the low grades and maintain her remaining decent grades or the only vacation experience she was getting would be through the pictures of our fabufuckinglous time on the west coast. 

Last Friday was the end of her school quarter. This coming Saturday we fly off to Orange County. I pulled up the parent portal yesterday and saw where the little fuck must've reached far up her ass to pull the F up to a B, and the two D's to C's. Teen asked me last night if I had seen her grades....and was she going to vacation with us. I let her sweat a little before I gave her the nod and told her the hard work paid off. But if she pulled that shit again this next quarter and let her grades slip then there wouldn't be a last minute scramble - she'd miss out on our summer trip. 

I'm not fucking around. Teen is in 7th grade. Each year gets harder and I'll be damned if she thinks she is entitled to everything we do as a family. My fucking kids don't get shit handed to them on a platter...all the time... They have to fucking earn it and earn the right to keep it. Hopefully Teen's lesson is learned. But she is a teen so I'm not holding my muthafuckin' breath. I will be holding a wine bottle though.