Poop soul mates

Until this afternoon I was backed up for four horrible goddamn days - my colon that is - due to the hydrocodone for my back. I suffer from IBS - I'm on the diarrhea side of it while Scrub, my sis is on the constipation side. I shit like five times a day and if I don't go for a day then I'm constipated.

***If you've made it this far and feel like I'm oversharing and feel the revulsion rising at this being discussed, well obviously I give zero fucks. You can do yourself a favor, just scroll to the next status. You were warned.***

So back to the subject of my poop chute...I don't feel normal if I don't take a crap on the daily. Dickhead used to get so mad at the amount of time I spend in the bathroom. After more than eleven fucking years you'd think he'd have shut the fuck up about it by now! But recently a GI motility specialist (Little Shit's) explained it to him. So Dickhead gives me less shit about my shit now.

Anyway, until the birth of my 13 inch, weight unknown, turd baby this afternoon I was feeling really fucking awful. But as relief hit me and that fucker slid into the water from my exit hole (would that be considered a water birth?) I messaged my dear friend of You Still Laugh At "Diarrhea". Like the poop soul mates that we are, she was also on the crapper and shared her constipation story with me. It's below.

*******

So there I was after having a baby and I managed to only birth a tiny tiny turd. tiny. Like nothing. I didn't even go poop when I was pushing. But the nurses were satisfied with the tiny tiny turd and all like 'YAY you can go home.'

Well nothing happened when I got home. And I had nothing and nothing but waaaaaaves of pain. And I kept popping percs because of the pain. On day 5 I was sweating bullets TERRIFIED THIS WHOLE TIME OF BUSTING A STITCH because I got the big E (for episotomy) ....and I didn't know the percs would make it worse. Anywho so day 5 I try everything. Chugging metamucil and water and eating prunes and doing an at home enema where NOT A DAMN THING HAPPENED. I called my OB in tears and he told me I can either wait it out at home or I can go to the ER. I went to the ER where I HAD TO GET AN ENEMA. TWICE. And I was STILL BACKED UP. The doctor wanted to go in manually. and dig. So of course I'm like 'this will NOT HAPPEN SIGN ME OUT AMA (against medical advice) IF YOU HAVE TO I'M NOT DOING THAT.' So the doc was like well I understand so they gave me a little to go suppository and told me to come back if I need to.

We go to my parents and pick up the baby and it feels like I need to shit glass this whole entire time, like that whole day and night (it's like 1am at this point and my boobs are leaking ALL OVER THE DAMN PLACE AND EVERYTHING and I'm embarassed and like THIS IS THE WORST THING EVER... ). We get home and baby boy is screaming his head off hungry. I had been having Baby Daddy give him bottles because I was in so much pain. But the urge struck as soon as we walked into the door. I ran. (Cue eye of the tiger music here, I felt like a champ). I hovered over the toilet and the gates of hell opened and my asshole unleashed a fury like never known before. The relief was unlike anything ever and thus the rest of the baby weight was lost.

THE END. *drops mic

*************

I had tears from laughter rolling down my face as I sat in the Cadillac stall of my work restroom reading that shit. I will admit though, my asshole slammed shut at reading the part where they wanted to go in manually and dig. Motherfucker hell NO! But I'm sure my laughter was echoing and could be heard in the goddamn hallway. My laughter is very easily identified so someone walking by would have know immediately it was me. Oh well, ZFG.

I text several of the ladies when I know I'm going to stink it up by dropping a deuce so they can avoid the bathroom for a while. Sometimes I even make a loud announcement on my way in because it kinda grosses the guys out.

There's no shame in my game.

Of course you're going to college!

Tonight while tucking Little Shit and Baby Shit in, my dear Little Shit was rather emotional. Apparently an episode of that fucker Super Why? has been weighing heavily on her mind. Super Why's brother went off to college and the episode was about how Super Why learned to deal with his brother leaving home.

LS: "Mommy, when I grow up I don't want to go to college."

Me: "Don't be silly! Of course you'll go to college."

LS: .... <hyperventilating> "Nooooooo! Mommy!" *cue the wailing* "I...<sob>...don't want...<deep breath>...to leave you.....EVvvvvvveeeerrrr!"

Me: <hyperventilating> Oh dear fucking gawd you've got to be shitting me, this little asshole is not living all of her life at home. "Aww sweetie, that's so cute of you. But seriously, you'll go to college then have a great job and meet someone you'll want to marry and one day have kids."

LS: "I nevvvvveeeer want to marry. Don't make me leave you!"

Me: <mental face palm> "Tell you what, you can live with mommy and daddy all your life. And one day you'll have to take care of us."

LS: <deep breath of relief> "Ok."

Me: "You'll take such good care of us. You'll have to wipe your daddy's ass when he starts wearing diapers, and give him baths because mommy will be too old to do it by that time. You may even need to change my diaper. Can you wipe my ass?"

LS: "No mommy! That's disgusting!"

Me: "Well, I wipe your ass. I do it because you can't right now and because I love you so I won't make you sit in poop. Can you do that for mommy?"

LS: ......"Can someone else do it?"

Me: "Baby Shit, could you wipe mommy's ass and change her diaper?"

BS: "Yessssshh mommy! I wipe your poopy booty! I drink your wine too."

Me: "Baby Shit, you can live with mommy forever."

LS: ......"Whatever. I'm going to find a husband and have babies and HE can wipe THEIR asses. Can I drink all the wine while he does that, mommy?"

That Little Shit, she catches on quick.

Shit ain't funny so STFU

Last week Little Shit was hospitalized with a very nasty UTI and severe constipation. I don't mean a little constipation as in she hasn't pooped for a couple of days, I'm talking 3 enemas required to clean her ass out. We've been dealing with this shit (no pun intended) for more than 2 1/2 years. To put things simply, Little Shit has suffered through 35 UTI's and ongoing bowel problems. We've been through multiple specialists and some procedures. And we still don't have any good fucking answers. My sweet little girl has spent more time on antibiotics than I have in my entire life!

Dickhead, MIL and I were discussing Little Shit's upcoming months of treatment which will include a scope up her rectum and a biopsy. For the procedure the GI specialist is going to put Little Shit out. My fucking MIL smarted off that colonoscopies don't hurt, and she should know because she's had one and they didn't put her out.

Shut the fuck up you stupid fucking twatwaffle troll.

Oh, you had something slipped up your ass and it didn't hurt? Should I infer from that you've had a lot of experience at things getting shoved up your rectal cavity? You want a goddamn cookie? I've had my own colonoscopies. I know how this shit works. You don't remember the insertion because they give you drugs. Not to mention we're talking about a 5 year old kid—her granddaughter!

MIL wants something up her ass...she's going to find my foot planted so far up it she'll be wiping between her shoulder blades when she takes a shit. Her opinion and cuntsicle comments are not appreciated.

If you'd like to read more about Little Shit's issues, read last year's blog post: How fucking dare you!?