Sisterly love is the shit

Hold on to your panties! My little sister (Scrub), her husband (Big Daddy), and their 4 year old daughter (Little Scrub) are moving only a mile away from the Bitch household in a little over a month. Scrub came up from Texas to house hunt this past week while her husband stayed home to work....that's been a fucking adventure.

For example...

The other day we were walking through a home that was still under construction, but close to completion. Scrub's realtor was in another room while the neighborhood agent (a humorless stuck up twatwaffle with sand up her vajajay who had already irritated me with her snotty superior attitude towards Scrub) was in the kitchen. With no carpet down yet every noise echoed.

I walked into the master bathroom and quickly pointed out the flaw - "The shitter is right next to the muthafuckin' glass door shower! There's no little room for it. How're you going to feel about Big Daddy dropping a deuce and scrubbing his asshole clean while you're showering? Are you cool with no privacy? Cause that's what you'll be facing if you buy this one. I mean, Big Daddy may get his rocks off watching you shower from the front row crapper but it's not my kind of thing. Is it yours?"

Scrub looked at me with horror on her face. "Sshhh! Oh mah gawd! They'll hear you!" Of course she's referring to the real estate vultures in the other rooms.

And of course I continued on, "I love that Dickhead's poop air is enclosed in the toilet room on the opposite side of our bathroom with the fan pumping the stench out of the room."

"Stop being disgusting!" Scrub said.

"Look, I know you fart glitter, shit rose petals and whatnot, but these men take massive dumps. Dickhead once shit out a turd so big it looked like the one that elephant dropped the other day at the zoo. It clogged the toilet up and that was without toilet paper! It was impressive, I'm not going to lie."

Scrub stomped out of the room. Yeah, she's a fucking spoiled brat like that even now that we're adults. It's so cute when she gets embarrassed and pissy, stomping her feet and shit.

I don't have to deal with it like when we were kids, Big Daddy does. So I have free reign to fuck with her when I feel like it. What's she going to do? Tattle to mom? Ha! That didn't stop me even when we were little.

I followed Scrub out into the open floor kitchen/living room/dining room area where the agents had huddled together whispering (no doubt about my lack of class) but pretending to look over some papers. "Don't tell me Big Daddy doesn't leave streaks in the toilet bowl. Hell, I leave streaks! Seriously, do you want to get out of the shower and see that shit?"

Scrub's face became red and she hurried into another room. I turned to Scrub's married realtor. "Dude, do you have a separate room for the shitter at your house?" Pointing to the snooty neighborhood agent I added, "I guarantee you don't have a crapper next to your shower. From the looks of you I doubt you poop much. You look a little constipated right now. Fiber will help with that. But in all seriousness, don't you give these guy builders any feedback on floor plans? Men don't think about this crap and how little sense it makes. That's why you're here - to stage the houses and tell them when they fucked up a floor plan."

Sand Vagina had nothing to say but her stunned expression was lovely.

"But hey, other than the toilet/shower issue and the gawdawful paint choice in this great room, it's a nice house."I turned around to see Scrub had snuck back into the room. If looks could kill....

In uncomfortable silence (for everyone else, not me) we left. The sand vagina neighborhood agent climbed in her flashy luxury car and we departed in Scrub's realtor's vehicle. After a few minutes of quiet Scrub finally spoke up, "You had some good points about that house. But mainly that woman was a twat! I can't believe you said that shit. Wait, yeah I can." Then Scrub broke out in her hee-haw laughter and soon we were all cackling.

It's good to be the big sister.

 Yes, I tease Scrub mercilessly, but let some asshole douchecanoe twatwaffle thundercunt be rude to her, and I'm going to smack a ho down and put her in her place.

So back to the point of all of this - Scrub's family is leaving the hot dust bowl, shit hole town in TX where they've been for the last 4 years and moving a couple of states north. It's been a long time since we lived in the same fucking state, and even then it was hours apart. I don't know if this place is ready for the two of us. Hold on tight everyone!

Of course you're going to college!

Tonight while tucking Little Shit and Baby Shit in, my dear Little Shit was rather emotional. Apparently an episode of that fucker Super Why? has been weighing heavily on her mind. Super Why's brother went off to college and the episode was about how Super Why learned to deal with his brother leaving home.

LS: "Mommy, when I grow up I don't want to go to college."

Me: "Don't be silly! Of course you'll go to college."

LS: .... <hyperventilating> "Nooooooo! Mommy!" *cue the wailing* "I...<sob>...don't want...<deep breath>...to leave you.....EVvvvvvveeeerrrr!"

Me: <hyperventilating> Oh dear fucking gawd you've got to be shitting me, this little asshole is not living all of her life at home. "Aww sweetie, that's so cute of you. But seriously, you'll go to college then have a great job and meet someone you'll want to marry and one day have kids."

LS: "I nevvvvveeeer want to marry. Don't make me leave you!"

Me: <mental face palm> "Tell you what, you can live with mommy and daddy all your life. And one day you'll have to take care of us."

LS: <deep breath of relief> "Ok."

Me: "You'll take such good care of us. You'll have to wipe your daddy's ass when he starts wearing diapers, and give him baths because mommy will be too old to do it by that time. You may even need to change my diaper. Can you wipe my ass?"

LS: "No mommy! That's disgusting!"

Me: "Well, I wipe your ass. I do it because you can't right now and because I love you so I won't make you sit in poop. Can you do that for mommy?"

LS: ......"Can someone else do it?"

Me: "Baby Shit, could you wipe mommy's ass and change her diaper?"

BS: "Yessssshh mommy! I wipe your poopy booty! I drink your wine too."

Me: "Baby Shit, you can live with mommy forever."

LS: ......"Whatever. I'm going to find a husband and have babies and HE can wipe THEIR asses. Can I drink all the wine while he does that, mommy?"

That Little Shit, she catches on quick.

Well that was awkward...

Before running to the bathroom between meetings at work I slipped a tampon down my cleavage. After all, I didn't want to carry my purse with me and the maxi dress I'm wearing has no pockets. I wasn't going to walk around holding the damn tampon in my hand and draw attention to the bright yellow packaging.

On the way in the restroom door a male coworker, clueless as fuck that one should never interrupt a woman on a mission, wanted to discuss a situation with a client. While standing in the hall outside the toilet where I desperately needed to be, an executive joined the conversation. As usual I got a little animated while giving my two cents on the situation. Low and behold....a muthafucking tampon dropped between my legs and bounced to the toe of the executive. Both guys reached for it but recoiled as soon as they realized what the fuck they were reaching for.

Image from Cloudy, With A Chance Of Wine

From the looks on their faces you'd think it was a used vaj rag, not packaged and waiting to be inserted into my twat hole. Finally remembering that he had interrupted me on my way into the ladies' room, my coworker nudged the offensive tampon my way with his foot and said we could continue the discussion later, then both men hurried away. I'm amazed these guys get any pussy.

When it rains, it motherfuckin' pours

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Shit ain't funny so STFU

Last week Little Shit was hospitalized with a very nasty UTI and severe constipation. I don't mean a little constipation as in she hasn't pooped for a couple of days, I'm talking 3 enemas required to clean her ass out. We've been dealing with this shit (no pun intended) for more than 2 1/2 years. To put things simply, Little Shit has suffered through 35 UTI's and ongoing bowel problems. We've been through multiple specialists and some procedures. And we still don't have any good fucking answers. My sweet little girl has spent more time on antibiotics than I have in my entire life!

Dickhead, MIL and I were discussing Little Shit's upcoming months of treatment which will include a scope up her rectum and a biopsy. For the procedure the GI specialist is going to put Little Shit out. My fucking MIL smarted off that colonoscopies don't hurt, and she should know because she's had one and they didn't put her out.

Shut the fuck up you stupid fucking twatwaffle troll.

Oh, you had something slipped up your ass and it didn't hurt? Should I infer from that you've had a lot of experience at things getting shoved up your rectal cavity? You want a goddamn cookie? I've had my own colonoscopies. I know how this shit works. You don't remember the insertion because they give you drugs. Not to mention we're talking about a 5 year old kid—her granddaughter!

MIL wants something up her ass...she's going to find my foot planted so far up it she'll be wiping between her shoulder blades when she takes a shit. Her opinion and cuntsicle comments are not appreciated.

If you'd like to read more about Little Shit's issues, read last year's blog post: How fucking dare you!?

Life isn't fair. You gotta work for that shit.

Two weeks ago Teen Shit found herself in some deep doo doo. Just before the end of the school quarter I got notice that she had been goofing off and not turning in work. Normally an A and B student, she had one F and two D's. 

Oh. Hell. Nah!

Apparently, Teen thought turning 13 meant she was hot shit and could give zero fucks about school work. Dickhead and I sat her down and we had a 'pull your head out of your uber-privileged ass and put your nose to the grindstone to bring those goddamn grades up or fuck going to California on spring break with the rest of the family' talk. We told her she would spend her spring break with her dad and step-mom while we spent days on the beach, went to Hollywood and Disneyland.
 
Her mouth fell open and she started crying it wasn't fair. Wrong fucking thing to say to this Bitch. I don't give two flying fucks about Teen's definition of fair. I don't give one flying fuck. Not a single fuck is given. 'Not fair' is her fucking up our already paid for family spring break trip by jacking off and being a little fucking asshole not doing her school work. 'Not fair' is explaining to Little Shit and Baby Shit why their older sister wasn't going to be making sand castles with us.
 

I gave Teen one fucking chance to turn her shitty attitude around. She had to work her ass off for the trip. All the homework she had been ignoring had to be turned in and she had 1 week to get it all done, bring up the low grades and maintain her remaining decent grades or the only vacation experience she was getting would be through the pictures of our fabufuckinglous time on the west coast. 

Last Friday was the end of her school quarter. This coming Saturday we fly off to Orange County. I pulled up the parent portal yesterday and saw where the little fuck must've reached far up her ass to pull the F up to a B, and the two D's to C's. Teen asked me last night if I had seen her grades....and was she going to vacation with us. I let her sweat a little before I gave her the nod and told her the hard work paid off. But if she pulled that shit again this next quarter and let her grades slip then there wouldn't be a last minute scramble - she'd miss out on our summer trip. 

I'm not fucking around. Teen is in 7th grade. Each year gets harder and I'll be damned if she thinks she is entitled to everything we do as a family. My fucking kids don't get shit handed to them on a platter...all the time... They have to fucking earn it and earn the right to keep it. Hopefully Teen's lesson is learned. But she is a teen so I'm not holding my muthafuckin' breath. I will be holding a wine bottle though.

Tanning bed complexities

After burning my pink taco to a crisp tanning in the nude last spring I decided to try something new this spring - wearing panties while tanning. No, not full blown grannies, but a thong. I thought I'd give my lady bits some coverage to protect them.

However, I hate...let me repeat this...I fucking HATE having tan lines. Not to mention that most of my thongs are lace which leaves some funky ass lines. Luckily I realized this before making that mistake. But that means I have only a few pairs of sexy-ish undies that will leave minimal white space. The real fucking aggravation is that they all sit at different spots on my hips. @&#%@* So basically I have to wear the same goddamn pair of panties every few days in order to keep my lines consistent.

During this process I've also realized a few things:

1. The tan lines only around my veej are kinda hot. I'm not gonna lie, it makes me feel like a porn star. I get to feel like a lady on the street but then come home, strip down and with only veej tan lines I feel like a freak in the bedroom. 
2. The white stripe up/between my ass cheeks is annoying as fuck. 
3. #2 raises a whole other issue - when I part my butt cheeks and check my fine ass out in the mirror (that's normal, right?) I feel like my asshole looks dirty against the white skin against the tan lines. 
4. #3 raises the complex issue of 'should I consider anal bleaching?' After all, Dickhead doesn't want to see a dirty bunghole while tapping that doggy style. 
5. The glaringly white skin that isn't tan is a little too white. Now I'm thinking about tanning my white twat to make it a little less 'white'. This is getting complicated.

And don't even get me started on how uncomfortable it is to tan in a muthafucking thong. Let's be real here, everything sweats in a tanning bed. The twat and ass region sweat like a whore in church on Sunday. Guess what happens between your ass cheeks..that's right. Sweat. And where is your thong? Buried in the crevice of your ass gathering sweat. The panties basically need to be wrung out after removal because they are soaked. Are you grossed out yet? Yeah, well ZFG. It's fucking reality.

I've learned to take a second pair of undies to change into after sweating. But what do you do with the soaking panties? Yep, put them in a ziplock baggie and hide those muthafuckers in your purse. That kind of resolves the sweaty ass crack issue.

Forgetting to remove said ziplock baggie from your purse can cause issues. I was at work and a coworker stopped me in the lobby to chat. I reached into the cavernous Coach bag (earned by my infamous Coach Bucks/Rewards program with Dickhead) to pull out a friend's business card. In doing so the baggie dropped on the ground. Right at our feet. Before I could stop him, my coworker leaned over to pick it up. As he handed the baggie to me recognition dawned on his face and he turned bright red.

Goddamn are you fucking kidding me? What the fuck did I do to deserve this shit! I can only be thankful that 1) the undies weren't ratty and 2) the baggie didn't bust open, spilling out the crotch sweat rot stank that surely had festered within.

Moral of the story - fuck saving my taco from a little burn. This shit is not worth it.