Dickhead and I have gone 'round and 'round about tubal ligation vs vasectomy. I've had 3 c-sections and refuse to get my tubes tied. My birth control is causing issues ranging from RAPID weight gain and 2 periods per month (who the fuck wants to deal with that??) to skin discoloration aka hyper-pigmentation on my face. I told DH last week that I'm done with birth control and the side effects so when this pack runs out he'll need to buy condoms because we aren't having unprotected sex...or he can schedule a vasectomy. DH isn't thrilled about using condoms and I'm on my sugar pill week so he better figure it out. Well, tonight he approached me with a compromise:
Option 1: Stay on birth control and get liposuction and tummy tuck no vasectomy
Option 2: Go off birth control and get back to my pre pregnancy weight (lose 20 lbs) and he'll get a vasectomy
Both options piss me off. What, did you think he was being generous? Let me point out the error in your thought.
Option 1 came with the stipulation that I get my part of the benefit WHEN we can afford it - which is right now but he won't admit that - so he can string me along. Meanwhile he doesn't have to wear condoms or do anything on his part.
Option 2 came with the stipulation that he does't have to get a vasectomy UNTIL I reach the goal he set for me...he's counting on me not getting back into pre pregnancy shape.
Dickhead has made a huge error in judgement in approaching me with these "compromises." We'll see how long it takes him to get tired of date nights with his fists.
Being a bitch is more than reacting to a situation. It is taking charge and laying it out there, honestly and bluntly. OWN it. LIVE it. After all, being a "bitch" is a lifestyle. www.bitchisalifestyle.com
Monday, July 1, 2013
Tuesday, June 4, 2013
I cuss like a fucking lady!
I love to cuss! There. I said it. In case you didn't know before, well, now you do. Asshole. Shitbag, fuckity uppity judgmental twat sitting there with your ankles crossed, your head held high, staring down your nose at my crudeness. Good for you with your boring goody goodness and stupid wholesomeness. I'm sure you're a god dammed riot in the sack. "Oh, Johnny, put it in me. Touch me there...yea, pound my pee hole! Can I hold your love stick?" I hope you like missionary position, because that's the best fucking you're going to get with that boring personality. Meanwhile, Johnny's hiding in the bathroom fist-pumping away to the porn on his smart phone.
Obviously bad words flow from my mouth like verbal diarrhea. Some have tried to stop the leakage, but they usually throw their hands in the air and walk away in disgust...but not before I've gotten in their heads and mouths and caused them to toss out a few expletives of their own. I'll be honest...that brings me great joy. Knowing I've gotten to someone that way. I love rubbing off on someone - and not just in a sexual way. *wink*
Seriously, why the hell do cuss words bother people so much? Repeat after me: words are words made by man, they have no bearing on life other than the enjoyment they give (me) to say them.
I especially love that word FUCK. I fucking love the shit out of the word "fuck." I'll throw a "fuck" or two into a business meeting like the guys do just to see eyes bulge. Why does it bother people? Because I'm sitting there in my business suit, with my perfectly done hair and my manicured nails, looking like someone that should be sniffing flowers rather rolling in the mud with the boys. Who says it's not lady-like to cuss? I'm a fucking lady, dammit!
 |
| I shit you not, it's been tried. |
Obviously bad words flow from my mouth like verbal diarrhea. Some have tried to stop the leakage, but they usually throw their hands in the air and walk away in disgust...but not before I've gotten in their heads and mouths and caused them to toss out a few expletives of their own. I'll be honest...that brings me great joy. Knowing I've gotten to someone that way. I love rubbing off on someone - and not just in a sexual way. *wink*
Seriously, why the hell do cuss words bother people so much? Repeat after me: words are words made by man, they have no bearing on life other than the enjoyment they give (me) to say them.
I especially love that word FUCK. I fucking love the shit out of the word "fuck." I'll throw a "fuck" or two into a business meeting like the guys do just to see eyes bulge. Why does it bother people? Because I'm sitting there in my business suit, with my perfectly done hair and my manicured nails, looking like someone that should be sniffing flowers rather rolling in the mud with the boys. Who says it's not lady-like to cuss? I'm a fucking lady, dammit!
Monday, May 20, 2013
Sorry your kid is fugly
You know you've seen an ugly child. One that makes you do a double take, probably even cringe. How do you handle it? I'm not good at lying and I sure as hell can't tell someone their baby is adorable when I'm wondering what on earth it did in a former life to be saddled with such horrible looks, or what the parents did to bring about such a fucking ugly kid. Why was this innocent child beaten with the ugly stick? Was it incest? Decades of inbreeding?
Then you have to wonder if mom and dad know just how ugly their baby is, but live in denial. Like if they keep saying how cute their troll is, then it will be so.
Whoa!! I can feel some of you already getting butt-hurt. I know you're thinking, "How dare that Bitch say something so bad about a baby? A child?!" Oh shut the fuck up! I'm only voicing what you've thought at some point.
Dickhead has a good friend who married a fairly attractive woman. Imagine my horror when their first daughter was born with the worst of each of their features. Megamind, from the animated kid's movie Megamind could have been based on her looks. The poor girl had a face shaped like an alien with a high forehead and large skull, big eyes, small nose, narrow cheeks and a jutting chin with a cleft in it. In short, the baby was the ugliest fucking thing I've ever seen. When I saw her for the first time, all I could say was, "She's got daddy's...oh look at her little toes!" I mean, what was I supposed to say? "Sorry your baby is butt fucking ugly...I'm sure she'll develop a nice personality" just didn't seem to cut it.
Each time I saw her it was a slap in the face with ugly, but as Megamind's sister hit the toddler stage she kind of grew on me. She did develop quite the personality. Dickhead and I would go to our friend's house for dinner and I'd spend the first hour hiding my revulsion and trying not to stare at the little monster. But baby girl would win me over with her personality. I'd forget what a troll the kid was. By the time we left our friend's home I'd be thinking she was such a cute little thing, and I'd talk her up to our other friends – who looked at me like I was out of my fucking mind. Then I'd see her again and it would shock my system. I'd have to go through the adjustment period all over again.
Fortunately, baby troll finally grew into her features – around the time she entered 1st grade in elementary school. She really is a cute little girl, with a winning personality. I can only hope the next time her parents procreate that the next baby doesn't have to grow into its looks. Either that or Dickhead and I move away so I don't have to witness the metamorphosis.
Then you have to wonder if mom and dad know just how ugly their baby is, but live in denial. Like if they keep saying how cute their troll is, then it will be so.
Whoa!! I can feel some of you already getting butt-hurt. I know you're thinking, "How dare that Bitch say something so bad about a baby? A child?!" Oh shut the fuck up! I'm only voicing what you've thought at some point.
Dickhead has a good friend who married a fairly attractive woman. Imagine my horror when their first daughter was born with the worst of each of their features. Megamind, from the animated kid's movie Megamind could have been based on her looks. The poor girl had a face shaped like an alien with a high forehead and large skull, big eyes, small nose, narrow cheeks and a jutting chin with a cleft in it. In short, the baby was the ugliest fucking thing I've ever seen. When I saw her for the first time, all I could say was, "She's got daddy's...oh look at her little toes!" I mean, what was I supposed to say? "Sorry your baby is butt fucking ugly...I'm sure she'll develop a nice personality" just didn't seem to cut it.
Each time I saw her it was a slap in the face with ugly, but as Megamind's sister hit the toddler stage she kind of grew on me. She did develop quite the personality. Dickhead and I would go to our friend's house for dinner and I'd spend the first hour hiding my revulsion and trying not to stare at the little monster. But baby girl would win me over with her personality. I'd forget what a troll the kid was. By the time we left our friend's home I'd be thinking she was such a cute little thing, and I'd talk her up to our other friends – who looked at me like I was out of my fucking mind. Then I'd see her again and it would shock my system. I'd have to go through the adjustment period all over again.
Fortunately, baby troll finally grew into her features – around the time she entered 1st grade in elementary school. She really is a cute little girl, with a winning personality. I can only hope the next time her parents procreate that the next baby doesn't have to grow into its looks. Either that or Dickhead and I move away so I don't have to witness the metamorphosis.
Tuesday, May 14, 2013
He's a douchebag doing what douchebags do best...being douchey
All it takes is a douchebag to open his mouth and rank shit comes forth. Add the internet and social media to the mix and you have the perfect shit storm. Take Abercrombie & Fitch CEO Mike Jeffries - 7 years ago he spewed elitist nonsense when he said A&F's clientele target is the cool, beautiful kids...not the fatties. Ok, he didn't say it JUST like that, but awfully damn close. In 2006, Mikey-boy told Salon.com, ”We go after the attractive all-American kid with a great attitude and a lot of friends. A lot of people don’t belong [in our clothes], and they can’t belong. Are we exclusionary? Absolutely.” Of course this drew outrage in 2006, but it died down. Fast-forward 7 years when Mikey's words came back to bite him in the ass and went viral. Suddenly everyone is pissed. They're offended. Why? Because on a broader scale, everyone is finally understanding that Mikey is an elitist asshole.
I'm sure people think I'm going to rip into the surgically altered frat boy (his plastic surgeon should be fired) and tear him a new asshole. Meh. Who fucking cares? I don't know about you, but I have zero fucks to give. Fucks are expensive and I don't just throw them out there. How many of us actually shop at A&F anyway? I'm a 30 something year old woman. I'm not shopping there. My kids spend their money where I let them. And it isn't at A&F. Why give the douchecanoe power by getting upset over his idea of marketing a business? Douchey Mikey has come out and said what other retailers practice but don't verbalize. Honestly, I'm kind of impressed that he knows he's a dick and doesn't back down from it. Either way, he isn't getting MY money. And other than this, he isn't getting any more of my time talking about it.
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| Look at me, Dude! I'm cool and shit. Check out my plump lips and bulging biceps man. That's hot. |
I'm sure people think I'm going to rip into the surgically altered frat boy (his plastic surgeon should be fired) and tear him a new asshole. Meh. Who fucking cares? I don't know about you, but I have zero fucks to give. Fucks are expensive and I don't just throw them out there. How many of us actually shop at A&F anyway? I'm a 30 something year old woman. I'm not shopping there. My kids spend their money where I let them. And it isn't at A&F. Why give the douchecanoe power by getting upset over his idea of marketing a business? Douchey Mikey has come out and said what other retailers practice but don't verbalize. Honestly, I'm kind of impressed that he knows he's a dick and doesn't back down from it. Either way, he isn't getting MY money. And other than this, he isn't getting any more of my time talking about it.
Monday, April 29, 2013
How fucking dare you!?
Heads are going to roll at Little Shit's pre-school today. She goes 2 days a week, but is usually lucky to make it both days due to some health issues. When we selected the pre-school, we were very clear with her teachers and the directors on how Little Shit needs extra attention around potty matters because of the health issues - 25 UTI's in a 1 1/2 year period and bowel problems, multiple specialists and some procedures. She has spent more time on antibiotics than I have in my entire life!
Luckily, Little Shit's primary teacher had previously been a nurses assistant and was somewhat familiar with Little Shit's problems and understood the importance of our directions and what we asked. We felt lucky that the school and teachers were going to be accommodating - you'd be surprised at how many were not equipped or even willing to understand and meet our needs.
Lately when Little Shit has been dropped off at class, her primary teacher hasn't been there. Come to find out, she was transferred to another room. That wouldn't be a big deal except for what happened on Friday. We got home and I took Little Shit to the bathroom only to find dried poop on her bottom and in her pull up. When asked about it, she said she had pooped on the potty at school, but the teacher refused to wipe her. The teacher had told her that she was a big girl and needed to wipe on her own. Little Shit was upset over all of it because it made her feel like a baby that she doesn't wear big girl panties at school and needs help. Yes, Little Shit is 4. Yes, she is in pull ups. Yes, she is potty trained. HOWEVER, due to her medical issues she can't always make it to the potty so she gets limited time in big girl panties at home. And due to her medical issues, she is not to wipe herself when she poops.
I am so fucking pissed about the attitude of the new teacher. My 4 year old is not in pull ups because she has lazy parents that don't want her wearing big girl panties. My 4 year old has endured so much pain with infections and sickness, confusion at being poked and prodded by doctors, and shame at not being able to control herself like the other kids. How fucking DARE the teacher make her feel bad!?!
And it's not just the teacher's attitude. Other parents see my 4 year old in pull ups and judge me and my husband. They wonder why we wouldn't have potty trained our daughter by now. You can feel the condescending and superior attitude as they share how their own kid was potty trained early on. Kudos to them. I don't need to fucking explain my child's problems for them. For the rest of you reading this, when you see something you don't understand, something like this, think before you judge. Unless it's someone breastfeeding a 7 year old. Then judge all you want because I'll be doing the same.
Luckily, Little Shit's primary teacher had previously been a nurses assistant and was somewhat familiar with Little Shit's problems and understood the importance of our directions and what we asked. We felt lucky that the school and teachers were going to be accommodating - you'd be surprised at how many were not equipped or even willing to understand and meet our needs.
Lately when Little Shit has been dropped off at class, her primary teacher hasn't been there. Come to find out, she was transferred to another room. That wouldn't be a big deal except for what happened on Friday. We got home and I took Little Shit to the bathroom only to find dried poop on her bottom and in her pull up. When asked about it, she said she had pooped on the potty at school, but the teacher refused to wipe her. The teacher had told her that she was a big girl and needed to wipe on her own. Little Shit was upset over all of it because it made her feel like a baby that she doesn't wear big girl panties at school and needs help. Yes, Little Shit is 4. Yes, she is in pull ups. Yes, she is potty trained. HOWEVER, due to her medical issues she can't always make it to the potty so she gets limited time in big girl panties at home. And due to her medical issues, she is not to wipe herself when she poops.
I am so fucking pissed about the attitude of the new teacher. My 4 year old is not in pull ups because she has lazy parents that don't want her wearing big girl panties. My 4 year old has endured so much pain with infections and sickness, confusion at being poked and prodded by doctors, and shame at not being able to control herself like the other kids. How fucking DARE the teacher make her feel bad!?!
And it's not just the teacher's attitude. Other parents see my 4 year old in pull ups and judge me and my husband. They wonder why we wouldn't have potty trained our daughter by now. You can feel the condescending and superior attitude as they share how their own kid was potty trained early on. Kudos to them. I don't need to fucking explain my child's problems for them. For the rest of you reading this, when you see something you don't understand, something like this, think before you judge. Unless it's someone breastfeeding a 7 year old. Then judge all you want because I'll be doing the same.
Thursday, April 25, 2013
Very Inspiring Blogger Award!
Two Bored Housewives have honored me with the Very Inspiring Blogger Award. I knew my blog was pretty damn awesome, but it always feels good to be validated by someone else – or in this case, two bored, wine drinking housewives named Mandy and Annoula.
And now I have to play by the rules in order to keep the award going. Since I don't always play by the rules, I'll post them below to be sure I follow them. The rules are:
- Display award logo on blog
- Link back to the person who gave you the award
- State 7 things about yourself
- Nominate 15 other bloggers for this award and link back to them
- Leave a comment on each of the blog's letting them know they have been nominated
7 things about the Bitch of the Lifestyle
I'm very outgoing and friendly so I have many friends, but I don't let many people actually get close to me. That honor is reserved for the select few that have proven their worthiness, and to those I am loyal and would do anything for them.
I'm addicted to Coach purses, wallets and sunglasses. So addicted that I've worked out a system of "Coach Bucks" with my husband, Dickhead. Each blowjob earns credit for my Coach shopping sprees.
Daniel Craig is my celebrity crush.
I pick my nose, but not in public. It grosses out my oldest daughter, and that gives me great enjoyment.
I grew up in an abusive household and am a huge advocate for ending domestic violence. Also, because of my upbringing I don't like bullies. Being a Bitch is not the same as being a bully, and I hate when people get the two confused. When I see someone getting bullied, I tend to step in.
Dickhead and I love to travel to warm, tropical beach climates, but we don't like the usual touristy spots. We travel as often as possible, sometimes with the little shits and sometimes without.
I have a Chihuahua, but Pugs are my obsession. They're just so damn ugly that they're cute. How can you not love them?!
My blogger nominees...
Some of these wonderful bloggers are straight out funny, some are offensively funny and some are just sweet. But they are all awesome bloggers.
Monday, April 22, 2013
You're a fucking train wreck
Over the weekend I was visiting with a cousin who recently moved in with a new boyfriend while she's waiting to file for a divorce. Can you already smell the train wreck coming?
While catching up, we were all joking around and my cousin was telling a funny story where the cops showed up. Her first thought when the cops arrived was "oh shit, he (boyfriend) doesn't need this...he's on parole!" I caught the parole slip but hoped she meant probation for traffic violations or something. Since he was standing right there I decided to ask her about it later.
Before I left we made plans for them to visit me in a month. I mentioned the parole slip to Dickhead who said, "Your cousin probably meant probation. Besides, he seems nice." He seems nice? Hello! So did Ted Bundy!
This morning I pulled up the online public court record for the state my cousin lives in, and searched the boyfriend's name to find multiple cases. On the "no big deal" end of the spectrum there was a divorce and custody modification, plus some speeding tickets. Then...wait for it... a guilty plea for FELON BURGLARY, another guilty plea for FELON FORGERY with 5 years in prison.
Are you fucking kidding me? HELL to the FUCK NO, they're not coming to stay at my house. I called Dickhead at work to tell him the news and he told me to come up with an excuse to cancel their visit. An excuse? Fuck that! You can bet your ass I'm telling my cousin "While I normally enjoy having front row tickets to your train wreck of a life, your boyfriend is a FELON. On parole! And you let him move in with you and your kids! Pull your fucking head out of your ass." Knowing she won't listen, I'll watch the rest of the train wreck through her status updates.
While catching up, we were all joking around and my cousin was telling a funny story where the cops showed up. Her first thought when the cops arrived was "oh shit, he (boyfriend) doesn't need this...he's on parole!" I caught the parole slip but hoped she meant probation for traffic violations or something. Since he was standing right there I decided to ask her about it later.
Before I left we made plans for them to visit me in a month. I mentioned the parole slip to Dickhead who said, "Your cousin probably meant probation. Besides, he seems nice." He seems nice? Hello! So did Ted Bundy!
This morning I pulled up the online public court record for the state my cousin lives in, and searched the boyfriend's name to find multiple cases. On the "no big deal" end of the spectrum there was a divorce and custody modification, plus some speeding tickets. Then...wait for it... a guilty plea for FELON BURGLARY, another guilty plea for FELON FORGERY with 5 years in prison.
 |
| Let me say this as nicely as I can. You're a fucking train wreck. |
Are you fucking kidding me? HELL to the FUCK NO, they're not coming to stay at my house. I called Dickhead at work to tell him the news and he told me to come up with an excuse to cancel their visit. An excuse? Fuck that! You can bet your ass I'm telling my cousin "While I normally enjoy having front row tickets to your train wreck of a life, your boyfriend is a FELON. On parole! And you let him move in with you and your kids! Pull your fucking head out of your ass." Knowing she won't listen, I'll watch the rest of the train wreck through her status updates.
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