Burning the house down

The Tween and her friend got the brilliant fucking idea to do some holiday baking in the Easy Bake Oven. No big deal, right? Two 12 year olds turned loose cooking with a kiddie oven should be no fucking problem. Right? Right?! Muthafuckin' WRONG, Bitches.

It all started with an Easy Bake Oven recipe...

They set up in the bar of our house to do the baking. After pouring a beer from the tapper, I vacated the area. About half an hour later I smelled something burning and went downstairs to see what the hell was going on. In the midst of the cooking, the girls got hungry and heated up a pizza. Some of the cheese dripped and left that disgusting burnt fart smell. Assured that things were going smoothly, I refilled the beer and again vacated the area. Zero fucks given.

After getting settled with my beer and iPad to do some reading, Nana starts sniffing the air. "I smell something burning," she said. I absentmindedly told her what had happened. A couple of minutes later Dickhead asked what was burning. Without looking up I said "cheese from a pizza." Bromance who was also sitting around with a beer said, "Yeah, smells like the house is burning down."

At this point I was getting really irritated, and when everyone kept talking about the smell I lost my shit and snapped, "I was just down there. It's just some fucking cheese. Can I read my goddam book now?" Then Nana sniffed the air again. I launched up out of my chair, stomped downstairs and into the bar....to see smoke billowing from the microwave above the Tween's oblivious head. I punched the microwave door button and as it opened even more smoke rushed out.

"What the fuck are you doing?" I sputtered. So much smoke was pouring out that I couldn't even see what was inside it.

"The cake was taking too long so we were just finishing it up in the microwave," said the Tween's friend.

And in that instant. In that very.fucking.instant I saw it. A goddam METAL pan in my muthafuckin' MICROWAVE. There must have been steam coming out of my nostrils because the Tween and her friend shrank back.

"Who's brilliant idea was it to put this in here? You can't put metal in a MICROWAVE!" I yelled.

The Tween meekly replied, "I didn't know that."

Wrong. fucking. answer. "You blew up a microwave at our last house and almost caught the house on fire when you put metal in it. And you. didn't. know? You didn't learn anything from that?!?" Then I yelled up the stairs, "Hey, Dickhead, did you hear what my genius daughter just did and said?" I heard laughter from Dickhead, Bromance and Nana. ...Fucking assholes upstairs laughing.

The girls were ordered to clean everything up. Before leaving the bar I grabbed a new glass and filled it with beer. Then told them as punishment they were the household bar maids for the rest of the evening. Any time we yelled for them they better both come running and refill our beers or bring some food. And they were also officially babysitting the little shits. For free.

Zero muthafuckin' fucks given.

You're a fucking train wreck

Over the weekend I was visiting with a cousin who recently moved in with a new boyfriend while she's waiting to file for a divorce. Can you already smell the train wreck coming? 

While catching up, we were all joking around and my cousin was telling a funny story where the cops showed up. Her first thought when the cops arrived was "oh shit, he (boyfriend) doesn't need this...he's on parole!" I caught the parole slip but hoped she meant probation for traffic violations or something. Since he was standing right there I decided to ask her about it later. 

Before I left we made plans for them to visit me in a month. I mentioned the parole slip to Dickhead who said, "Your cousin probably meant probation. Besides, he seems nice." He seems nice? Hello! So did Ted Bundy!

This morning I pulled up the online public court record for the state my cousin lives in, and searched the boyfriend's name to find multiple cases. On the "no big deal" end of the spectrum there was a divorce and custody modification, plus some speeding tickets. Then...wait for it... a guilty plea for FELON BURGLARY, another guilty plea for FELON FORGERY with 5 years in prison. 

Let me say this as nicely as I can. You're a fucking train wreck.

Are you fucking kidding me? HELL to the FUCK NO, they're not coming to stay at my house. I called Dickhead at work to tell him the news and he told me to come up with an excuse to cancel their visit. An excuse? Fuck that! You can bet your ass I'm telling my cousin "While I normally enjoy having front row tickets to your train wreck of a life, your boyfriend is a FELON. On parole! And you let him move in with you and your kids! Pull your fucking head out of your ass." Knowing she won't listen, I'll watch the rest of the train wreck through her status updates.

We may be family, but you suck!

Everyone has that one family member that is the black sheep, the drain on the family, the embarrassing STD that no one wants to talk about, the self-entitled asshole that always wants to know what's in it for them. In my family that person happens to be the oldest child - my white trash, deadbeat sister.

That's right, I called my own sister white trash. I call her a lot worse the majority of the time. Things weren't always this way between us. We used to get along, back when I was younger...before I realized how worthless she is. But then the rose-tinted glasses were stripped away and I saw her for who she really is.

While White Trash's 2nd husband was off fighting a war, the part of her that had only shown up occasionally came out full force. White Trash began neglecting her three sons in order to go drinking all the time. She lost a stable job and began bouncing around to other jobs until she became a bartender. She began sleeping around with the customers and "fell in love" with a married man. White Trash stopped paying bills on time and when her husband returned from deployment they faced foreclosure on their home. During this time our parents stepped in and tried to help them hang on to the house. When White Trash filed for divorce my parents gave her a new place to live in. It was a rental property, and it wasn't as nice as the house she had owned, but beggars can't be choosers. Our parents paid for everything (food, clothes, utilities, they gave her a cell phone!) and even gave her a car after she wrecked her own while driving drunk. Guess what? That piece of trash expected them to pay for any maintenance and even the gas for her to get places. White Trash ran the car into the ground....and demanded a replacement vehicle.

Sadly, this has gone on for years. But wait, just like an infomercial, there's more!

White Trash married her 3rd husband and they convinced our parents to let them move into the larger rental house for which they would pay rent. One guess what really happened. For the last 2 years they have leached off our parents. Do they ever say "Thanks"? Hell to the fuck no! Instead, they bad-mouth my parents behind their back. If the dependent behavior hadn't already driven a wedge between us, this surely has. I haven't sat back and watched this shit happening without saying anything. Family gatherings are tense when the money-sucking, ungrateful pile of dog turds makes an appearance.

Yes, my parents have been enablers - they have big hearts and don't want to see any of their children do without - but they are especially concerned with any impact on their grandchildren. Not helping White Trash means her three sons suffer. White Trash has played that against their sympathies.

It has reached an all-time low though. Yesterday my little sister called, upset, to share something that our dad told her specifically not to repeat to me because he knew how I'd react. Well this is a fucking doozy, Bitches, so get ready. White Trash hasn't paid rent for months - sometimes she makes a half-assed attempt - and the stress of supporting White Trash, her husband and three sons has taken a financial toll on our parents. Mom and Dad have to cancel their vacation to see my little sister and her family because the financial impact is so bad that their savings has been entirely drained. In fact, they are now juggling bills to stall foreclosure on both houses.

This pisses me off for a multitude of reasons. I'm sure I don't need to actually list them out for you. I'm sick to my stomach with rage. It's a good thing I live 5 hours away because I'd probably be in jail right now for assault on the cunt rag. I'd like to punch them both in the throat, kick her in the taco and twist off his nut sack with my bare hands. I don't give a shit that we share the same blood. My older sister is a user. A loser. A piece of dog shit on the bottom of my shoe. She deserves to be smeared in the fucking grass. My parents need to evict White Trash and her equally white trash husband and be done with them. The boys pretty much live at my parent's home and they should continue to.

You know the old saying "you can pick your friends, but you can't pick your family"? Fuck. That. To all the leaching, douche canoe, loser, white trash family members out there....YOU SUCK!