Sorry your kid is fugly

You know you've seen an ugly child. One that makes you do a double take, probably even cringe. How do you handle it? I'm not good at lying and I sure as hell can't tell someone their baby is adorable when I'm wondering what on earth it did in a former life to be saddled with such horrible looks, or what the parents did to bring about such a fucking ugly kid. Why was this innocent child beaten with the ugly stick? Was it incest? Decades of inbreeding?

Then you have to wonder if mom and dad know just how ugly their baby is, but live in denial. Like if they keep saying how cute their troll is, then it will be so.

Whoa!! I can feel some of you already getting butt-hurt. I know you're thinking, "How dare that Bitch say something so bad about a baby? A child?!" Oh shut the fuck up! I'm only voicing what you've thought at some point.

Dickhead has a good friend who married a fairly attractive woman. Imagine my horror when their first daughter was born with the worst of each of their features. Megamind, from the animated kid's movie Megamind could have been based on her looks. The poor girl had a face shaped like an alien with a high forehead and large skull, big eyes, small nose, narrow cheeks and a jutting chin with a cleft in it. In short, the baby was the ugliest fucking thing I've ever seen. When I saw her for the first time, all I could say was, "She's got daddy's...oh look at her little toes!" I mean, what was I supposed to say? "Sorry your baby is butt fucking ugly...I'm sure she'll develop a nice personality" just didn't seem to cut it.

Each time I saw her it was a slap in the face with ugly, but as Megamind's sister hit the toddler stage she kind of grew on me. She did develop quite the personality. Dickhead and I would go to our friend's house for dinner and I'd spend the first hour hiding my revulsion and trying not to stare at the little monster. But baby girl would win me over with her personality. I'd forget what a troll the kid was. By the time we left our friend's home I'd be thinking she was such a cute little thing, and I'd talk her up to our other friends – who looked at me like I was out of my fucking mind. Then I'd see her again and it would shock my system. I'd have to go through the adjustment period all over again.

Fortunately, baby troll finally grew into her features – around the time she entered 1st grade in elementary school. She really is a cute little girl, with a winning personality. I can only hope the next time her parents procreate that the next baby doesn't have to grow into its looks. Either that or Dickhead and I move away so I don't have to witness the metamorphosis.

He's a douchebag doing what douchebags do best...being douchey

All it takes is a douchebag to open his mouth and rank shit comes forth. Add the internet and social media to the mix and you have the perfect shit storm. Take Abercrombie & Fitch CEO Mike Jeffries - 7 years ago he spewed elitist nonsense when he said A&F's clientele target is the cool, beautiful kids...not the fatties. Ok, he didn't say it JUST like that, but awfully damn close. In 2006, Mikey-boy told Salon.com, ”We go after the attractive all-American kid with a great attitude and a lot of friends. A lot of people don’t belong [in our clothes], and they can’t belong. Are we exclusionary? Absolutely.” Of course this drew outrage in 2006, but it died down. Fast-forward 7 years when Mikey's words came back to bite him in the ass and went viral. Suddenly everyone is pissed. They're offended. Why? Because on a broader scale, everyone is finally understanding that Mikey is an elitist asshole.

Look at me, Dude! I'm cool and shit. Check out my
plump lips and bulging biceps man. That's hot.

I'm sure people think I'm going to rip into the surgically altered frat boy (his plastic surgeon should be fired) and tear him a new asshole. Meh. Who fucking cares? I don't know about you, but I have zero fucks to give. Fucks are expensive and I don't just throw them out there. How many of us actually shop at A&F anyway? I'm a 30 something year old woman. I'm not shopping there. My kids spend their money where I let them. And it isn't at A&F. Why give the douchecanoe power by getting upset over his idea of marketing a business? Douchey Mikey has come out and said what other retailers practice but don't verbalize. Honestly, I'm kind of impressed that he knows he's a dick and doesn't back down from it. Either way, he isn't getting MY money. And other than this, he isn't getting any more of my time talking about it.

How fucking dare you!?

Heads are going to roll at Little Shit's pre-school today. She goes 2 days a week, but is usually lucky to make it both days due to some health issues. When we selected the pre-school, we were very clear with her teachers and the directors on how Little Shit needs extra attention around potty matters because of the health issues - 25 UTI's in a 1 1/2 year period and bowel problems, multiple specialists and some procedures. She has spent more time on antibiotics than I have in my entire life!

Luckily, Little Shit's primary teacher had previously been a nurses assistant and was somewhat familiar with Little Shit's problems and understood the importance of our directions and what we asked. We felt lucky that the school and teachers were going to be accommodating - you'd be surprised at how many were not equipped or even willing to understand and meet our needs.

Lately when Little Shit has been dropped off at class, her primary teacher hasn't been there. Come to find out, she was transferred to another room. That wouldn't be a big deal except for what happened on Friday. We got home and I took Little Shit to the bathroom only to find dried poop on her bottom and in her pull up. When asked about it, she said she had pooped on the potty at school, but the teacher refused to wipe her. The teacher had told her that she was a big girl and needed to wipe on her own. Little Shit was upset over all of it because it made her feel like a baby that she doesn't wear big girl panties at school and needs help. Yes, Little Shit is 4. Yes, she is in pull ups. Yes, she is potty trained. HOWEVER, due to her medical issues she can't always make it to the potty so she gets limited time in big girl panties at home. And due to her medical issues, she is not to wipe herself when she poops.

I am so fucking pissed about the attitude of the new teacher. My 4 year old is not in pull ups because she has lazy parents that don't want her wearing big girl panties. My 4 year old has endured so much pain with infections and sickness, confusion at being poked and prodded by doctors, and shame at not being able to control herself like the other kids. How fucking DARE the teacher make her feel bad!?!

And it's not just the teacher's attitude. Other parents see my 4 year old in pull ups and judge me and my husband. They wonder why we wouldn't have potty trained our daughter by now. You can feel the condescending and superior attitude as they share how their own kid was potty trained early on. Kudos to them. I don't need to fucking explain my child's problems for them. For the rest of you reading this, when you see something you don't understand, something like this, think before you judge. Unless it's someone breastfeeding a 7 year old. Then judge all you want because I'll be doing the same.

Very Inspiring Blogger Award!

Two Bored Housewives have honored me with the Very Inspiring Blogger Award. I knew my blog was pretty damn awesome, but it always feels good to be validated by someone else – or in this case, two bored, wine drinking housewives named Mandy and Annoula.

And now I have to play by the rules in order to keep the award going. Since I don't always play by the rules, I'll post them below to be sure I follow them. The rules are:

• Display award logo on blog
• Link back to the person who gave you the award
• State 7 things about yourself
• Nominate 15 other bloggers for this award and link back to them
• Leave a comment on each of the blog's letting them know they have been nominated

7 things about the Bitch of the Lifestyle

I'm very outgoing and friendly so I have many friends, but I don't let many people actually get close to me. That honor is reserved for the select few that have proven their worthiness, and to those I am loyal and would do anything for them.

I'm addicted to Coach purses, wallets and sunglasses. So addicted that I've worked out a system of "Coach Bucks" with my husband, Dickhead. Each blowjob earns credit for my Coach shopping sprees.

Daniel Craig is my celebrity crush.

I pick my nose, but not in public. It grosses out my oldest daughter, and that gives me great enjoyment.

I grew up in an abusive household and am a huge advocate for ending domestic violence. Also, because of my upbringing I don't like bullies. Being a Bitch is not the same as being a bully, and I hate when people get the two confused. When I see someone getting bullied, I tend to step in.

Dickhead and I love to travel to warm, tropical beach climates, but we don't like the usual touristy spots. We travel as often as possible, sometimes with the little shits and sometimes without.

I have a Chihuahua, but Pugs are my obsession. They're just so damn ugly that they're cute. How can you not love them?!

 

My blogger nominees...

You Know It Happens At Your House Too

What I Had REALLY Meant to Say Was....

People I Want to Punch in the Throat

Sad But True Life of a Middle Aged Woman

Life of a Spinster Broad

Tripping While Standing Still

Dadmissions

Fodder 4 Fathers

SooperDad Blog of Awesomeness

Daddy Doin' Work

The Dude of the House

Diary of a not so wimpy mom

What Inside Voice?

The Petite Young Blonde

Turd Mountain

Some of these wonderful bloggers are straight out funny, some are offensively funny and some are just sweet. But they are all awesome bloggers.

You're a fucking train wreck

Over the weekend I was visiting with a cousin who recently moved in with a new boyfriend while she's waiting to file for a divorce. Can you already smell the train wreck coming? 

While catching up, we were all joking around and my cousin was telling a funny story where the cops showed up. Her first thought when the cops arrived was "oh shit, he (boyfriend) doesn't need this...he's on parole!" I caught the parole slip but hoped she meant probation for traffic violations or something. Since he was standing right there I decided to ask her about it later. 

Before I left we made plans for them to visit me in a month. I mentioned the parole slip to Dickhead who said, "Your cousin probably meant probation. Besides, he seems nice." He seems nice? Hello! So did Ted Bundy!

This morning I pulled up the online public court record for the state my cousin lives in, and searched the boyfriend's name to find multiple cases. On the "no big deal" end of the spectrum there was a divorce and custody modification, plus some speeding tickets. Then...wait for it... a guilty plea for FELON BURGLARY, another guilty plea for FELON FORGERY with 5 years in prison. 

Let me say this as nicely as I can. You're a fucking train wreck.

Are you fucking kidding me? HELL to the FUCK NO, they're not coming to stay at my house. I called Dickhead at work to tell him the news and he told me to come up with an excuse to cancel their visit. An excuse? Fuck that! You can bet your ass I'm telling my cousin "While I normally enjoy having front row tickets to your train wreck of a life, your boyfriend is a FELON. On parole! And you let him move in with you and your kids! Pull your fucking head out of your ass." Knowing she won't listen, I'll watch the rest of the train wreck through her status updates.

Don't fuck with my kid or I'll fart on you

After Principal Douchebag ignored me and taunted me about the Tween's three day In School Suspension (ISS) over spraying fart spray in the school hallway, I scheduled a meeting through his secretary. I arrived a few minutes early for our appointment, but was kept waiting almost thirty damn minutes so the asshole could get off on his continual power trip.

When the cock bag sauntered out with a smirk on his face to introduce himself I stared at him completely unimpressed. "Hi, I'm Doctor Douchebag. You must be Bitch, the Tween's mom." Oh yeah, he stressed "doctor." While the other principals are Mr. or Mrs., he's the only fucktard in the massive middle school that insists on people addressing him as "doctor." Just for the record, anytime some asshole tries to make me feel inferior by inserting his education status (yay for you on getting that doctorate), I will go out of my way to ignore it. "Yes, Mister Douchebag. I'm Bitch. Let's have a chat."

After seating me on the visitor side of his desk, on a student's classroom chair, Mr. Douchebag settled down on his side of the desk and stared down at me. All of the nicety bullshit aside, I was ready to get down to business. I informed Mr. Douchebag that I had read the school's policy on disruptive behavior, detention, ISS and Out of School Suspension (OSS). Based on what the Tween admitted to doing, the punishment was severe. I told him I realized that the punishment has already been served, but my concern is the impact on her school record. During the discussion, Mr. Douchebag admitted the Tween's fart spray incident was just middle school silliness. "Well, gee, let me look in this handbook for discipline of 'silliness.' Hmmm. How about that. I don't see anything. From what you're telling me, at most this is disruptive behavior. And not even serious disruptive behavior. According to the policy, for a first offense, that means one hour of detention. Not THREE days of ISS."

As we debated over the complexity of the policy, which I held in my hand in black and white, Mr. Douchebag confirmed my assessment that he was on a power trip with his "latitude of discretion" in handing out punishment. Hold. the. fuck. up. It's within my latitude of discretion to determine how far your cock sack is going to get shoved inside you when I kick you in the nuts.

When it became increasingly clear that Mr. Douchebag and I were not going to come to a reasonable conclusion to his fucktardedness, I did what any other parent would have done. Without attracting attention, I slide a can of fart spray from my purse and down by my side where I let off one quiet and fucking stinky ass can fart. While the smell permeated the room I kept a straight face, waiting for Mr. Douchebag to acknowledge the skunk-mixed-with-other-road kill stench. With a little gag and "You should see someone about that problem," I dismissed myself from the meeting.

Lesson Learned: You're a Douche

Last week the Tween received 3 days of in-school suspension (ISS!). THREE DAYS. What.the.hell. did she do to get THREE days? My child who is a straight "A" student. My child who is popular with her friends and most of the teachers (although her sarcasm can get her in trouble at times). My sarcastically funny child who at most has only had to miss recess before middle school. WTF did she do??

A friend of hers brought a can of fart spray – yeah, there really is such a thing – to school and they were letting off farts. Stinky farts. Ass in a can. And blaming some of the boys for passing gas. And she gets THREE days of ISS for this?? Seriously? Too top it off, I later find out that it didn't happen in class as I was told by the principal, who was justifying three days due to disruptive class behavior. Oh no, I find out from the teacher that Tween and her friend were having the fun between class bells in the hallway.

How did the principal reply to my exclamation (string of profanities) of shock? "Well, Mrs. Bitch, there are kids that have asthma and allergies that this could have caused issues for." No shit Sherlock. Tween has some of the worst asthma you've ever seen and it didn't cause any issues for her. And if you're going to play that card with me then ban all scented lotions and perfumes from the fucking building. Oh yeah, and your cologne. That scent is so strong you could choke a whore in a whore house with it. Seriously though, lighten the fuck up. Grab the stick that's lodged in your ass and give it a good yank.

Of course I argued against three days. I told Principal StickUpHisAss that one day would be sufficient. He said he'd possibly cut it to two days provided the Tween had good behavior during ISS. What is this...jail? And you're the fucking parole board? When I called the second day to confirm there would be no day three of ISS hell, Principal Douche wasn't available and the asshole never returned my call. Since I couldn't get to the school to discuss it face-to-face, the Tween served three days.

But, at the end of the second day the Tween wasn't taking her punishment seriously anyway. Too many adults had laughed (not her parents!) in front of her over the incident and exclaimed that it was crap that she got three days over ass in a can. Wonderfuckingful. The asshole principal's attempt at making an example out of a straight "A" student just backfired. Instead of teaching the Tween to be more responsible and that ISS isn't something you want to be in, it taught her that the principal is a fucktarded cock sack who isn't to be taken seriously.

On Saturday a letter detailing the terrible ass spray travesty arrived from the principal. Underneath the three day prison sentence he'd highlighted and underlined "2 days is not an option!". That fucking chicken shit! It didn't save him from a visit from me. But that's another story....