Wednesday, October 29, 2014

It's all about the blowjob-enomics

Last week I went in for my normal Botox injections in my forehead. Don't judge me. My forehead wrinkles are deep! Without the Botox God my deep forehead wrinkles resemble a woman's gash.

While my plastic surgeon assessed to see how much movement had returned since my last visit, I inquired about lip fillers. My bottom lip is nice and thick (I'm sure it's from all that dick sucking Dickhead gets), and my upper lip is thin (again I think it's from all that dick sucking since I pull my lip over my teeth so Dickehad's junk doesn't get scraped).

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You're trying to make that face aren't you? You're trying to figure out if your dick sucking face is different than mine. I know, don't lie. I'm not judging you. I'm a good dick sucker.
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Anyway, lip fillers are fucking expensive! Like, the same price as TWO of my Botox visits. At my scowl (or as good of a scowl I can do since I have permanent Bitchy Resting Face), my surgeon mentioned she may have a more cost effective solution. From a plastic surgeon that means you're still going to ass rape me, but you'll considerately use lube while doing it.

The good doctor told me she could put three Botox injections in my upper lip, which wouldn't fill it in like a plumper, but would instead lift it and expose more of the pink lip which would make it look fuller. Now, in my extensive research of fillers (conducted in 5 minutes while in the lobby waiting for my appointment) I had scoured the interwebz looking at before and after pictures of lip filler options. Botox was not one of the options I had found so I had some questions. Okay okay, I had one. The good doctor assured me I wouldn't end up with duck lips for the next six months. After pondering on it for a good long time (a nanosecond) I made up my up mind to give it a try.

I'm not going to lie, I probably worked myself into a little anxiety over how much a lip injection would hurt. I'm not a pussy about pain, but somehow as the needle neared my lip it seemed like a good time to panic. It took some calming and extra cold air numbing of my lips to allow her to proceed. Holy fucking hades those little bee stings hurt like a muthafucker. I swear that Bitch was smiling at the pain she was subjecting me to.

As she tidied up, the good doctor mentioned I may notice a difference in my "pucker" face. She actually used air quotes. I've never wanted to throat punch someone so fucking bad. At my confusion she said anytime I needed to pucker, such as suck on a straw or say words that contained certain sounds, I'd notice a difference in how my lips worked but I would end up compensating for it. Basically I may be drinking through a straw and my lips wouldn't be able to maintain the pucker position so I'd not have as much sucking power, and liquid may dribble out. At this news I shook my head. Fuck me. I told you she was about to ass rape me! The doctor was surprised at my irritation. So I had to spell it out for her. This meant blowjobs were not going to be as easy to give and it may affect the quality which would impact my Coach Bucks earning potential. The good doctor was a little stunned at my vulgarity, but intrigued about Coach Bucks. So I gave her a little lesson in blowjob-enomics. She was so impressed (or disgusted, I'm not entirely sure) that I got my lip injections for FREE. Either way I win!

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