Sunday, August 3, 2014

Well that's a real pisser!

Last night's BBQ was pretty fucking epic, only we didn't realize exactly how motherfucking epic until this morning. 

After all the kids went home and were tucked in bed, the adults continued sitting in our driveway shooting the shit and drinking. I was several bottles of wine into the evening, and loud as usual when a lone figure came walking down our street with a dog. When he got closer we realized it was the goddamn President of our Homeowner's Association. A collective groan went up along with some exclamations of "fuck!", "shit", "you gotta be motherfucking kidding me" (mostly from me) as we all assumed a certain asshat crybaby dickwad in the neighborhood must have complained about the noise while secretly crying about being left out. 

Turns out HOA Prezi was just out for a stroll with his dog, and beer, and thought he'd head over for a few rounds with the cool muthafuckas in the hood. 

At some point in our conversation the topic of drugs came up - not like 'hey, let's buy some drugs and get high', but in the way of comparing stupid youthful experimentation. When hallucinogenics were brought up I explained my cheap and legal way of getting a thrill by forcing myself to stay awake after taking Ambien. Prezi's face perked up and he said he'd love to try that. He was so insistent about it that I finally got out my bottle of the amazeballs sleep aid/hallucinogen. 

This motherfucker poured one into his hand and immediately sucked down a full beer. Whoa! He was serious about getting fucked up. About ten minutes later he picked the bottle up and was shaking it. My attention was diverted when I laughed at something Dickhead's bromance said, and Prezi took the opportunity to pop another Ambien. I caught it out of the corner of my eye and busted him out. "Well, shit," he said, "the first one wasn't working so I thought I'd speed it up." I told Prezi he better start heading home or his dog would be dragging him by the leash soon and he'd have one pissed off wife. 

We were still sitting there talking another ten minutes later. Prezi was telling a highly animated story, when suddenly it was lights out. The fucker slumped over, dropped his beer and passed the fuck out. His dog, relaxing by his shit-faced owner's feet, jumped up when the beer got on him. So much for the goddamn story Prezi was telling!

After much discussion by the guys it was decided that they'd drag Prezi's ass into our house and let him sleep it off on the couch. Bromance was to walk the dog back to Prezi's and explain the situation to his wife so she wouldn't be worried that her idiot husband had disappeared or was out sticking his dick where it didn't belong. It took three fucking guys to carry Prezi's dead weight into our house. The dog was going ballistic over seeing his owner being taken away. 

After cleaning up from the party and locking the house up for the night I peeked in on Little Shit and Baby Shit, then laughed as the dead to the world asshole on my couch snored so loud it could have shook the glass in the living room windows. 

Early this morning the little shits came to our bedroom to wake us for breakfast - I'll be sofuckinghappy when they can get their own shit. Their shock at finding someone on our couch was hysterical. Baby Shit's exact words were "What the..... Mommy, there's a man there!" While taking Little Shit potty I heard Prezi stir and I walked into the living room as he looked around bewildered saying "Where the FUCK am I?" Baby Shit echoed him with "Yeah, where the fuck?!"

At the same time I got a text message from Bromance that the dog was out on my front porch. That confused me as he had taken the dog home last night. But whatever....I had a disoriented and probably still drunk asshole to get out of my house. After reuniting Prezi and his dog outside I noticed his shorts were wet. The motherfucker had pissed himself. GODDAMN! That meant he peed on my fucking specially ordered leather couch. 

I ran back inside to confirm that yep, he'd lost control of his urine all over the fucking place while passed out. Son of a bitch! But I can't entirely hate on the crotch nugget as I myself pissed the guest bed at a friend's house once after getting shit-faced. Let me just say though....

I made Dickhead clean up the penis leakage while I texted Bromance about the urination. His response was "This has to be the wildest fucking night we've had in a long time! Prezi's wife wouldn't answer the door so I brought his dog to my house and it ended up getting in bed with us - it was the only way to calm the dog down!" 

So I've had a man pee on my couch, Bromance and his wife had another male in their bed...albeit a dog. And I've had the shits all day from all the wine consumed. All in all, an epic fucking party.

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