Saturday, July 12, 2014

Sisterly love is the shit

Hold on to your panties! My little sister (Scrub), her husband (Big Daddy), and their 4 year old daughter (Little Scrub) are moving only a mile away from the Bitch household in a little over a month. Scrub came up from Texas to house hunt this past week while her husband stayed home to work....that's been a fucking adventure.

For example...

The other day we were walking through a home that was still under construction, but close to completion. Scrub's realtor was in another room while the neighborhood agent (a humorless stuck up twatwaffle with sand up her vajajay who had already irritated me with her snotty superior attitude towards Scrub) was in the kitchen. With no carpet down yet every noise echoed.

I walked into the master bathroom and quickly pointed out the flaw - "The shitter is right next to the muthafuckin' glass door shower! There's no little room for it. How're you going to feel about Big Daddy dropping a deuce and scrubbing his asshole clean while you're showering? Are you cool with no privacy? Cause that's what you'll be facing if you buy this one. I mean, Big Daddy may get his rocks off watching you shower from the front row crapper but it's not my kind of thing. Is it yours?"

Scrub looked at me with horror on her face. "Sshhh! Oh mah gawd! They'll hear you!" Of course she's referring to the real estate vultures in the other rooms.

And of course I continued on, "I love that Dickhead's poop air is enclosed in the toilet room on the opposite side of our bathroom with the fan pumping the stench out of the room."

"Stop being disgusting!" Scrub said.

"Look, I know you fart glitter, shit rose petals and whatnot, but these men take massive dumps. Dickhead once shit out a turd so big it looked like the one that elephant dropped the other day at the zoo. It clogged the toilet up and that was without toilet paper! It was impressive, I'm not going to lie."

Scrub stomped out of the room. Yeah, she's a fucking spoiled brat like that even now that we're adults. It's so cute when she gets embarrassed and pissy, stomping her feet and shit.


I don't have to deal with it like when we were kids, Big Daddy does. So I have free reign to fuck with her when I feel like it. What's she going to do? Tattle to mom? Ha! That didn't stop me even when we were little.

I followed Scrub out into the open floor kitchen/living room/dining room area where the agents had huddled together whispering (no doubt about my lack of class) but pretending to look over some papers. "Don't tell me Big Daddy doesn't leave streaks in the toilet bowl. Hell, I leave streaks! Seriously, do you want to get out of the shower and see that shit?"

Scrub's face became red and she hurried into another room. I turned to Scrub's married realtor. "Dude, do you have a separate room for the shitter at your house?" Pointing to the snooty neighborhood agent I added, "I guarantee you don't have a crapper next to your shower. From the looks of you I doubt you poop much. You look a little constipated right now. Fiber will help with that. But in all seriousness, don't you give these guy builders any feedback on floor plans? Men don't think about this crap and how little sense it makes. That's why you're here - to stage the houses and tell them when they fucked up a floor plan."

Sand Vagina had nothing to say but her stunned expression was lovely.

"But hey, other than the toilet/shower issue and the gawdawful paint choice in this great room, it's a nice house."I turned around to see Scrub had snuck back into the room. If looks could kill....

In uncomfortable silence (for everyone else, not me) we left. The sand vagina neighborhood agent climbed in her flashy luxury car and we departed in Scrub's realtor's vehicle. After a few minutes of quiet Scrub finally spoke up, "You had some good points about that house. But mainly that woman was a twat! I can't believe you said that shit. Wait, yeah I can." Then Scrub broke out in her hee-haw laughter and soon we were all cackling.

It's good to be the big sister.


 Yes, I tease Scrub mercilessly, but let some asshole douchecanoe twatwaffle thundercunt be rude to her, and I'm going to smack a ho down and put her in her place.


So back to the point of all of this - Scrub's family is leaving the hot dust bowl, shit hole town in TX where they've been for the last 4 years and moving a couple of states north. It's been a long time since we lived in the same fucking state, and even then it was hours apart. I don't know if this place is ready for the two of us. Hold on tight everyone!

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