Wednesday, May 14, 2014

Well that was awkward...

Before running to the bathroom between meetings at work I slipped a tampon down my cleavage. After all, I didn't want to carry my purse with me and the maxi dress I'm wearing has no pockets. I wasn't going to walk around holding the damn tampon in my hand and draw attention to the bright yellow packaging.

On the way in the restroom door a male coworker, clueless as fuck that one should never interrupt a woman on a mission, wanted to discuss a situation with a client. While standing in the hall outside the toilet where I desperately needed to be, an executive joined the conversation. As usual I got a little animated while giving my two cents on the situation. Low and behold....a muthafucking tampon dropped between my legs and bounced to the toe of the executive. Both guys reached for it but recoiled as soon as they realized what the fuck they were reaching for.

Image from Cloudy, With A Chance Of Wine

From the looks on their faces you'd think it was a used vaj rag, not packaged and waiting to be inserted into my twat hole. Finally remembering that he had interrupted me on my way into the ladies' room, my coworker nudged the offensive tampon my way with his foot and said we could continue the discussion later, then both men hurried away. I'm amazed these guys get any pussy.

Tuesday, May 13, 2014

When it rains, it motherfuckin' pours

Somebody go find Friday and tell that motherfucka to get his ass back here ASAP!

This week has been a clusterfuck of shitstorms crammed into the last two days tighter than a couple of dicks in new prison ass.

When it rains it motherfuckin' pours. Am I right? Of course I am goddammit. #$(@&#^T$*#&

Remember a couple of months ago when I painted a bedroom so the two littlest shits could move in together, share a room, and grow up resenting one another for having to spend all their time together? As part of the new room arrangements, I ordered new bedroom furniture - bunk beds and dresser - so their newly shared room would have more space than their two twin beds gave them.

At the same time I ordered new patio furniture and sold our old set to make room for it. Every fucking thing was ordered from the same company. Every since they took my deposit on the order they have fucked things up every step of the way - moving our delivery dates multiple times, planning to do two deliveries because the patio furniture was there but the bedroom furniture was on back order, then they called and said if I wait two weeks they would deliver it ALL at once. Yippeefuckingkayaai, right? Sure, deliver the shit at once. Whatevs.

THEN they call on Friday night and talk with Dickhead, saying only the bedroom furniture will be in because they went ahead and sent our patio furniture to someone else since it was sitting there for more than a week. Now our patio furniture isn't coming until June 30th. What the motherfuck! This morning the delivery guys arrive with the new bedroom furniture and during setup they found the wrong hardware was sent for the headboard and footboards. Fuck a motherfucking shit covered dildo, you've gotta be kidding me. So they couldn't finish putting the bed together. During all of this the corporate office calls and said they will ship me the hardware so I can do it. WRONG. I paid for delivery and set up. I don't give two flying fucks that your office is a 3 hour drive and you "made a special trip to deliver." I paid for that fucking trip and you're going to come back and finish putting my shit together. I ripped that cocksucking monkey nuts a new asshole, letting him know how unhappy I've been with the service and getting jerked around. Then I dropped the bomb to cancel the patio order, refund my deposit, and send the hardware overnight with someone that can be here Thursday and finish the set up or they could pick their fucking overpriced furniture up....from the curb in front of my house and I better get a full motherfucking refund.

The next twatwaffle assmunch fuckface dill-hole to call me was a Sallie Mae collector. WHAT? Cunt said I owe a payment on a student loan. Back the fuck up. I'm still a student getting my Masters so it should be in deferment. Well, the super chipper cuntbiscuit informed me that only holds true for some student loans, not all, and I'm 10 days past due on this loan which is at the max deferment. And I never received any invoice on. Silly nugget wanted me to make a payment and wasn't too happy when I told her I'd be happy to bend over, spread my ass cheeks and fart the highly valuable bitch dust out my blow hole for payment.

Speaking of my Masters, I'm barely passing my class right now because of the bitter thundercunt professor who still refuses to give me any leniency on due dates where Little Shit's medical issues have taken priority and I've had to turn items in late. She gives zero fucks about the many doctors who have written notes regarding the tediousness of Little Shit's care, illnesses and whatnot resulting from said medical issues. I'm playing phone tag with the college to figure this shit out because if I fail this class then I'm kicked out of the program and ALL of my student loan debt will come collecting.

Hell, I've been so swamped I've barely had time to hang out on dead-as-fuck Facebook and give fucks that I'm being hidden from my Bitches.

I hate being a fucking adult. Pray for my sanity. Ha! What's left of it anyway.