Tuesday, March 11, 2014

Tanning bed complexities

After burning my pink taco to a crisp tanning in the nude last spring I decided to try something new this spring - wearing panties while tanning. No, not full blown grannies, but a thong. I thought I'd give my lady bits some coverage to protect them.

However, I hate...let me repeat this...I fucking HATE having tan lines. Not to mention that most of my thongs are lace which leaves some funky ass lines. Luckily I realized this before making that mistake. But that means I have only a few pairs of sexy-ish undies that will leave minimal white space. The real fucking aggravation is that they all sit at different spots on my hips. @&#%@* So basically I have to wear the same goddamn pair of panties every few days in order to keep my lines consistent.

During this process I've also realized a few things:

  1. The tan lines only around my veej are kinda hot. I'm not gonna lie, it makes me feel like a porn star. I get to feel like a lady on the street but then come home, strip down and with only veej tan lines I feel like a freak in the bedroom. 
  2. The white stripe up/between my ass cheeks is annoying as fuck. 
  3. #2 raises a whole other issue - when I part my butt cheeks and check my fine ass out in the mirror (that's normal, right?) I feel like my asshole looks dirty against the white skin against the tan lines. 
  4. #3 raises the complex issue of 'should I consider anal bleaching?' After all, Dickhead doesn't want to see a dirty bunghole while tapping that doggy style. 
  5. The glaringly white skin that isn't tan is a little too white. Now I'm thinking about tanning my white twat to make it a little less 'white'. This is getting complicated.

And don't even get me started on how uncomfortable it is to tan in a muthafucking thong. Let's be real here, everything sweats in a tanning bed. The twat and ass region sweat like a whore in church on Sunday. Guess what happens between your ass cheeks..that's right. Sweat. And where is your thong? Buried in the crevice of your ass gathering sweat. The panties basically need to be wrung out after removal because they are soaked. Are you grossed out yet? Yeah, well ZFG. It's fucking reality.

I've learned to take a second pair of undies to change into after sweating. But what do you do with the soaking panties? Yep, put them in a ziplock baggie and hide those muthafuckers in your purse. That kind of resolves the sweaty ass crack issue.

Forgetting to remove said ziplock baggie from your purse can cause issues. I was at work and a coworker stopped me in the lobby to chat. I reached into the cavernous Coach bag (earned by my infamous Coach Bucks/Rewards program with Dickhead) to pull out a friend's business card. In doing so the baggie dropped on the ground. Right at our feet. Before I could stop him, my coworker leaned over to pick it up. As he handed the baggie to me recognition dawned on his face and he turned bright red.

Goddamn are you fucking kidding me? What the fuck did I do to deserve this shit! I can only be thankful that 1) the undies weren't ratty and 2) the baggie didn't bust open, spilling out the crotch sweat rot stank that surely had festered within.

Moral of the story - fuck saving my taco from a little burn. This shit is not worth it.

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