Tuesday, March 18, 2014

Life isn't fair. You gotta work for that shit.

Two weeks ago Teen Shit found herself in some deep doo doo. Just before the end of the school quarter I got notice that she had been goofing off and not turning in work. Normally an A and B student, she had one F and two D's. 

Oh. Hell. Nah!

Apparently, Teen thought turning 13 meant she was hot shit and could give zero fucks about school work. Dickhead and I sat her down and we had a 'pull your head out of your uber-privileged ass and put your nose to the grindstone to bring those goddamn grades up or fuck going to California on spring break with the rest of the family' talk. We told her she would spend her spring break with her dad and step-mom while we spent days on the beach, went to Hollywood and Disneyland.

Her mouth fell open and she started crying it wasn't fair. Wrong fucking thing to say to this Bitch. I don't give two flying fucks about Teen's definition of fair. I don't give one flying fuck. Not a single fuck is given. 'Not fair' is her fucking up our already paid for family spring break trip by jacking off and being a little fucking asshole not doing her school work. 'Not fair' is explaining to Little Shit and Baby Shit why their older sister wasn't going to be making sand castles with us.

I gave Teen one fucking chance to turn her shitty attitude around. She had to work her ass off for the trip. All the homework she had been ignoring had to be turned in and she had 1 week to get it all done, bring up the low grades and maintain her remaining decent grades or the only vacation experience she was getting would be through the pictures of our fabufuckinglous time on the west coast. 

Last Friday was the end of her school quarter. This coming Saturday we fly off to Orange County. I pulled up the parent portal yesterday and saw where the little fuck must've reached far up her ass to pull the F up to a B, and the two D's to C's. Teen asked me last night if I had seen her grades....and was she going to vacation with us. I let her sweat a little before I gave her the nod and told her the hard work paid off. But if she pulled that shit again this next quarter and let her grades slip then there wouldn't be a last minute scramble - she'd miss out on our summer trip. 

I'm not fucking around. Teen is in 7th grade. Each year gets harder and I'll be damned if she thinks she is entitled to everything we do as a family. My fucking kids don't get shit handed to them on a platter...all the time... They have to fucking earn it and earn the right to keep it. Hopefully Teen's lesson is learned. But she is a teen so I'm not holding my muthafuckin' breath. I will be holding a wine bottle though.

Tuesday, March 11, 2014

Tanning bed complexities

After burning my pink taco to a crisp tanning in the nude last spring I decided to try something new this spring - wearing panties while tanning. No, not full blown grannies, but a thong. I thought I'd give my lady bits some coverage to protect them.

However, I hate...let me repeat this...I fucking HATE having tan lines. Not to mention that most of my thongs are lace which leaves some funky ass lines. Luckily I realized this before making that mistake. But that means I have only a few pairs of sexy-ish undies that will leave minimal white space. The real fucking aggravation is that they all sit at different spots on my hips. @&#%@* So basically I have to wear the same goddamn pair of panties every few days in order to keep my lines consistent.

During this process I've also realized a few things:

  1. The tan lines only around my veej are kinda hot. I'm not gonna lie, it makes me feel like a porn star. I get to feel like a lady on the street but then come home, strip down and with only veej tan lines I feel like a freak in the bedroom. 
  2. The white stripe up/between my ass cheeks is annoying as fuck. 
  3. #2 raises a whole other issue - when I part my butt cheeks and check my fine ass out in the mirror (that's normal, right?) I feel like my asshole looks dirty against the white skin against the tan lines. 
  4. #3 raises the complex issue of 'should I consider anal bleaching?' After all, Dickhead doesn't want to see a dirty bunghole while tapping that doggy style. 
  5. The glaringly white skin that isn't tan is a little too white. Now I'm thinking about tanning my white twat to make it a little less 'white'. This is getting complicated.

And don't even get me started on how uncomfortable it is to tan in a muthafucking thong. Let's be real here, everything sweats in a tanning bed. The twat and ass region sweat like a whore in church on Sunday. Guess what happens between your ass cheeks..that's right. Sweat. And where is your thong? Buried in the crevice of your ass gathering sweat. The panties basically need to be wrung out after removal because they are soaked. Are you grossed out yet? Yeah, well ZFG. It's fucking reality.

I've learned to take a second pair of undies to change into after sweating. But what do you do with the soaking panties? Yep, put them in a ziplock baggie and hide those muthafuckers in your purse. That kind of resolves the sweaty ass crack issue.

Forgetting to remove said ziplock baggie from your purse can cause issues. I was at work and a coworker stopped me in the lobby to chat. I reached into the cavernous Coach bag (earned by my infamous Coach Bucks/Rewards program with Dickhead) to pull out a friend's business card. In doing so the baggie dropped on the ground. Right at our feet. Before I could stop him, my coworker leaned over to pick it up. As he handed the baggie to me recognition dawned on his face and he turned bright red.

Goddamn are you fucking kidding me? What the fuck did I do to deserve this shit! I can only be thankful that 1) the undies weren't ratty and 2) the baggie didn't bust open, spilling out the crotch sweat rot stank that surely had festered within.

Moral of the story - fuck saving my taco from a little burn. This shit is not worth it.

Wednesday, March 5, 2014

Thirteen years ago life shit all over me

Tween Shit is no longer! She's 13 muthafuckin' years old now. Bend me over and ass fuck me with a rake because I have a feeling that would be less painful than the upcoming teen years.

13 years ago my crotch fruit sprang forth from my veej. Well, actually she was cut out of my stomach, but you get the idea. 13 years ago my life was forever changed when I brought that sweet little baby that resem...
bled a wrinkled old man home from the hospital...where she projectile vomited and squirted runny shit all over me.

13 years ago + the pregnancy months of which the first trimester was pure hell with horrible morning sickness, my weekends of binge drinking and dancing on the bar tables became me fumbling through the darkened hallway to stuff a sore nipple into the crying asshole's mouth.

13 years of my life that I wouldn't trade for anything. Except now that TEEN Shit has arrived, I question if the parental shit can be reversed. Obviously I can't shove Tween back into my vaginal opening - she didn't rip out of it so there's no way I'd attempt shoving anything like that back up there - but maybe I can be excused from the following years and re-enter when she's graduating college.

Where the fuck is my magic lantern....and no Dickhead, you can't convince me that rubbing your dick will make a genie appear to give me a wish that's granted when his magic juice explodes. That's how I got in this predicament 13 years ago with my ex-asshole.

Happy Birthday, TEEN Shit. Here's to many more awesome fucking memories. Give your dad all the hell. Mmmmkay?