Monday, May 20, 2013

Sorry your kid is fugly

You know you've seen an ugly child. One that makes you do a double take, probably even cringe. How do you handle it? I'm not good at lying and I sure as hell can't tell someone their baby is adorable when I'm wondering what on earth it did in a former life to be saddled with such horrible looks, or what the parents did to bring about such a fucking ugly kid. Why was this innocent child beaten with the ugly stick? Was it incest? Decades of inbreeding?

Then you have to wonder if mom and dad know just how ugly their baby is, but live in denial. Like if they keep saying how cute their troll is, then it will be so.


Whoa!! I can feel some of you already getting butt-hurt. I know you're thinking, "How dare that Bitch say something so bad about a baby? A child?!" Oh shut the fuck up! I'm only voicing what you've thought at some point.

Dickhead has a good friend who married a fairly attractive woman. Imagine my horror when their first daughter was born with the worst of each of their features. Megamind, from the animated kid's movie Megamind could have been based on her looks. The poor girl had a face shaped like an alien with a high forehead and large skull, big eyes, small nose, narrow cheeks and a jutting chin with a cleft in it. In short, the baby was the ugliest fucking thing I've ever seen. When I saw her for the first time, all I could say was, "She's got daddy's...oh look at her little toes!" I mean, what was I supposed to say? "Sorry your baby is butt fucking ugly...I'm sure she'll develop a nice personality" just didn't seem to cut it.

Each time I saw her it was a slap in the face with ugly, but as Megamind's sister hit the toddler stage she kind of grew on me. She did develop quite the personality. Dickhead and I would go to our friend's house for dinner and I'd spend the first hour hiding my revulsion and trying not to stare at the little monster. But baby girl would win me over with her personality. I'd forget what a troll the kid was. By the time we left our friend's home I'd be thinking she was such a cute little thing, and I'd talk her up to our other friends – who looked at me like I was out of my fucking mind. Then I'd see her again and it would shock my system. I'd have to go through the adjustment period all over again.

Fortunately, baby troll finally grew into her features – around the time she entered 1st grade in elementary school. She really is a cute little girl, with a winning personality. I can only hope the next time her parents procreate that the next baby doesn't have to grow into its looks. Either that or Dickhead and I move away so I don't have to witness the metamorphosis.

1 comment: