Monday, May 20, 2013

Sorry your kid is fugly

You know you've seen an ugly child. One that makes you do a double take, probably even cringe. How do you handle it? I'm not good at lying and I sure as hell can't tell someone their baby is adorable when I'm wondering what on earth it did in a former life to be saddled with such horrible looks, or what the parents did to bring about such a fucking ugly kid. Why was this innocent child beaten with the ugly stick? Was it incest? Decades of inbreeding?

Then you have to wonder if mom and dad know just how ugly their baby is, but live in denial. Like if they keep saying how cute their troll is, then it will be so.


Whoa!! I can feel some of you already getting butt-hurt. I know you're thinking, "How dare that Bitch say something so bad about a baby? A child?!" Oh shut the fuck up! I'm only voicing what you've thought at some point.

Dickhead has a good friend who married a fairly attractive woman. Imagine my horror when their first daughter was born with the worst of each of their features. Megamind, from the animated kid's movie Megamind could have been based on her looks. The poor girl had a face shaped like an alien with a high forehead and large skull, big eyes, small nose, narrow cheeks and a jutting chin with a cleft in it. In short, the baby was the ugliest fucking thing I've ever seen. When I saw her for the first time, all I could say was, "She's got daddy's...oh look at her little toes!" I mean, what was I supposed to say? "Sorry your baby is butt fucking ugly...I'm sure she'll develop a nice personality" just didn't seem to cut it.

Each time I saw her it was a slap in the face with ugly, but as Megamind's sister hit the toddler stage she kind of grew on me. She did develop quite the personality. Dickhead and I would go to our friend's house for dinner and I'd spend the first hour hiding my revulsion and trying not to stare at the little monster. But baby girl would win me over with her personality. I'd forget what a troll the kid was. By the time we left our friend's home I'd be thinking she was such a cute little thing, and I'd talk her up to our other friends – who looked at me like I was out of my fucking mind. Then I'd see her again and it would shock my system. I'd have to go through the adjustment period all over again.

Fortunately, baby troll finally grew into her features – around the time she entered 1st grade in elementary school. She really is a cute little girl, with a winning personality. I can only hope the next time her parents procreate that the next baby doesn't have to grow into its looks. Either that or Dickhead and I move away so I don't have to witness the metamorphosis.

Tuesday, May 14, 2013

He's a douchebag doing what douchebags do best...being douchey

All it takes is a douchebag to open his mouth and rank shit comes forth. Add the internet and social media to the mix and you have the perfect shit storm. Take Abercrombie & Fitch CEO Mike Jeffries - 7 years ago he spewed elitist nonsense when he said A&F's clientele target is the cool, beautiful kids...not the fatties. Ok, he didn't say it JUST like that, but awfully damn close. In 2006, Mikey-boy told Salon.com, ”We go after the attractive all-American kid with a great attitude and a lot of friends. A lot of people don’t belong [in our clothes], and they can’t belong. Are we exclusionary? Absolutely.” Of course this drew outrage in 2006, but it died down. Fast-forward 7 years when Mikey's words came back to bite him in the ass and went viral. Suddenly everyone is pissed. They're offended. Why? Because on a broader scale, everyone is finally understanding that Mikey is an elitist asshole.

Look at me, Dude! I'm cool and shit. Check out my
plump lips and bulging biceps man. That's hot.

I'm sure people think I'm going to rip into the surgically altered frat boy (his plastic surgeon should be fired) and tear him a new asshole. Meh. Who fucking cares? I don't know about you, but I have zero fucks to give. Fucks are expensive and I don't just throw them out there. How many of us actually shop at A&F anyway? I'm a 30 something year old woman. I'm not shopping there. My kids spend their money where I let them. And it isn't at A&F. Why give the douchecanoe power by getting upset over his idea of marketing a business? Douchey Mikey has come out and said what other retailers practice but don't verbalize. Honestly, I'm kind of impressed that he knows he's a dick and doesn't back down from it. Either way, he isn't getting MY money. And other than this, he isn't getting any more of my time talking about it.