Monday, April 29, 2013

How fucking dare you!?

Heads are going to roll at Little Shit's pre-school today. She goes 2 days a week, but is usually lucky to make it both days due to some health issues. When we selected the pre-school, we were very clear with her teachers and the directors on how Little Shit needs extra attention around potty matters because of the health issues - 25 UTI's in a 1 1/2 year period and bowel problems, multiple specialists and some procedures. She has spent more time on antibiotics than I have in my entire life!

Luckily, Little Shit's primary teacher had previously been a nurses assistant and was somewhat familiar with Little Shit's problems and understood the importance of our directions and what we asked. We felt lucky that the school and teachers were going to be accommodating - you'd be surprised at how many were not equipped or even willing to understand and meet our needs.

Lately when Little Shit has been dropped off at class, her primary teacher hasn't been there. Come to find out, she was transferred to another room. That wouldn't be a big deal except for what happened on Friday. We got home and I took Little Shit to the bathroom only to find dried poop on her bottom and in her pull up. When asked about it, she said she had pooped on the potty at school, but the teacher refused to wipe her. The teacher had told her that she was a big girl and needed to wipe on her own. Little Shit was upset over all of it because it made her feel like a baby that she doesn't wear big girl panties at school and needs help. Yes, Little Shit is 4. Yes, she is in pull ups. Yes, she is potty trained. HOWEVER, due to her medical issues she can't always make it to the potty so she gets limited time in big girl panties at home. And due to her medical issues, she is not to wipe herself when she poops.

I am so fucking pissed about the attitude of the new teacher. My 4 year old is not in pull ups because she has lazy parents that don't want her wearing big girl panties. My 4 year old has endured so much pain with infections and sickness, confusion at being poked and prodded by doctors, and shame at not being able to control herself like the other kids. How fucking DARE the teacher make her feel bad!?!

And it's not just the teacher's attitude. Other parents see my 4 year old in pull ups and judge me and my husband. They wonder why we wouldn't have potty trained our daughter by now. You can feel the condescending and superior attitude as they share how their own kid was potty trained early on. Kudos to them. I don't need to fucking explain my child's problems for them. For the rest of you reading this, when you see something you don't understand, something like this, think before you judge. Unless it's someone breastfeeding a 7 year old. Then judge all you want because I'll be doing the same.

Thursday, April 25, 2013

Very Inspiring Blogger Award!

Two Bored Housewives have honored me with the Very Inspiring Blogger Award. I knew my blog was pretty damn awesome, but it always feels good to be validated by someone else or in this case, two bored, wine drinking housewives named Mandy and Annoula.

And now I have to play by the rules in order to keep the award going. Since I don't always play by the rules, I'll post them below to be sure I follow them. The rules are:
  • Display award logo on blog
  • Link back to the person who gave you the award
  • State 7 things about yourself
  • Nominate 15 other bloggers for this award and link back to them
  • Leave a comment on each of the blog's letting them know they have been nominated

7 things about the Bitch of the Lifestyle

I'm very outgoing and friendly so I have many friends, but I don't let many people actually get close to me. That honor is reserved for the select few that have proven their worthiness, and to those I am loyal and would do anything for them.

I'm addicted to Coach purses, wallets and sunglasses. So addicted that I've worked out a system of "Coach Bucks" with my husband, Dickhead. Each blowjob earns credit for my Coach shopping sprees.

Daniel Craig is my celebrity crush.

I pick my nose, but not in public. It grosses out my oldest daughter, and that gives me great enjoyment.

I grew up in an abusive household and am a huge advocate for ending domestic violence. Also, because of my upbringing I don't like bullies. Being a Bitch is not the same as being a bully, and I hate when people get the two confused. When I see someone getting bullied, I tend to step in.

Dickhead and I love to travel to warm, tropical beach climates, but we don't like the usual touristy spots. We travel as often as possible, sometimes with the little shits and sometimes without.

I have a Chihuahua, but Pugs are my obsession. They're just so damn ugly that they're cute. How can you not love them?!


My blogger nominees...

Some of these wonderful bloggers are straight out funny, some are offensively funny and some are just sweet. But they are all awesome bloggers.

Monday, April 22, 2013

You're a fucking train wreck

Over the weekend I was visiting with a cousin who recently moved in with a new boyfriend while she's waiting to file for a divorce. Can you already smell the train wreck coming? 

While catching up, we were all joking around and my cousin was telling a funny story where the cops showed up. Her first thought when the cops arrived was "oh shit, he (boyfriend) doesn't need this...he's on parole!" I caught the parole slip but hoped she meant probation for traffic violations or something. Since he was standing right there I decided to ask her about it later. 

Before I left we made plans for them to visit me in a month. I mentioned the parole slip to Dickhead who said, "Your cousin probably meant probation. Besides, he seems nice." He seems nice? Hello! So did Ted Bundy!

This morning I pulled up the online public court record for the state my cousin lives in, and searched the boyfriend's name to find multiple cases. On the "no big deal" end of the spectrum there was a divorce and custody modification, plus some speeding tickets. Then...wait for it... a guilty plea for FELON BURGLARY, another guilty plea for FELON FORGERY with 5 years in prison. 

Let me say this as nicely as I can. You're a fucking train wreck.

Are you fucking kidding me? HELL to the FUCK NO, they're not coming to stay at my house. I called Dickhead at work to tell him the news and he told me to come up with an excuse to cancel their visit. An excuse? Fuck that! You can bet your ass I'm telling my cousin "While I normally enjoy having front row tickets to your train wreck of a life, your boyfriend is a FELON. On parole! And you let him move in with you and your kids! Pull your fucking head out of your ass." Knowing she won't listen, I'll watch the rest of the train wreck through her status updates.

Thursday, April 18, 2013

Don't fuck with my kid or I'll fart on you

After Principal Douchebag ignored me and taunted me about the Tween's three day In School Suspension (ISS) over spraying fart spray in the school hallway, I scheduled a meeting through his secretary. I arrived a few minutes early for our appointment, but was kept waiting almost thirty damn minutes so the asshole could get off on his continual power trip.

When the cock bag sauntered out with a smirk on his face to introduce himself I stared at him completely unimpressed. "Hi, I'm Doctor Douchebag. You must be Bitch, the Tween's mom." Oh yeah, he stressed "doctor." While the other principals are Mr. or Mrs., he's the only fucktard in the massive middle school that insists on people addressing him as "doctor." Just for the record, anytime some asshole tries to make me feel inferior by inserting his education status (yay for you on getting that doctorate), I will go out of my way to ignore it. "Yes, Mister Douchebag. I'm Bitch. Let's have a chat."

After seating me on the visitor side of his desk, on a student's classroom chair, Mr. Douchebag settled down on his side of the desk and stared down at me. All of the nicety bullshit aside, I was ready to get down to business. I informed Mr. Douchebag that I had read the school's policy on disruptive behavior, detention, ISS and Out of School Suspension (OSS). Based on what the Tween admitted to doing, the punishment was severe. I told him I realized that the punishment has already been served, but my concern is the impact on her school record. During the discussion, Mr. Douchebag admitted the Tween's fart spray incident was just middle school silliness. "Well, gee, let me look in this handbook for discipline of 'silliness.' Hmmm. How about that. I don't see anything. From what you're telling me, at most this is disruptive behavior. And not even serious disruptive behavior. According to the policy, for a first offense, that means one hour of detention. Not THREE days of ISS."

As we debated over the complexity of the policy, which I held in my hand in black and white, Mr. Douchebag confirmed my assessment that he was on a power trip with his "latitude of discretion" in handing out punishment. Hold. the. fuck. up. It's within my latitude of discretion to determine how far your cock sack is going to get shoved inside you when I kick you in the nuts.

When it became increasingly clear that Mr. Douchebag and I were not going to come to a reasonable conclusion to his fucktardedness, I did what any other parent would have done. Without attracting attention, I slide a can of fart spray from my purse and down by my side where I let off one quiet and fucking stinky ass can fart. While the smell permeated the room I kept a straight face, waiting for Mr. Douchebag to acknowledge the skunk-mixed-with-other-road kill stench. With a little gag and "You should see someone about that problem," I dismissed myself from the meeting.

Friday, April 12, 2013

Lesson Learned: You're a Douche

Last week the Tween received 3 days of in-school suspension (ISS!). THREE DAYS. What.the.hell. did she do to get THREE days? My child who is a straight "A" student. My child who is popular with her friends and most of the teachers (although her sarcasm can get her in trouble at times). My sarcastically funny child who at most has only had to miss recess before middle school. WTF did she do??
A friend of hers brought a can of fart spray yeah, there really is such a thing to school and they were letting off farts. Stinky farts. Ass in a can. And blaming some of the boys for passing gas. And she gets THREE days of ISS for this?? Seriously? Too top it off, I later find out that it didn't happen in class as I was told by the principal, who was justifying three days due to disruptive class behavior. Oh no, I find out from the teacher that Tween and her friend were having the fun between class bells in the hallway.
How did the principal reply to my exclamation (string of profanities) of shock? "Well, Mrs. Bitch, there are kids that have asthma and allergies that this could have caused issues for." No shit Sherlock. Tween has some of the worst asthma you've ever seen and it didn't cause any issues for her. And if you're going to play that card with me then ban all scented lotions and perfumes from the fucking building. Oh yeah, and your cologne. That scent is so strong you could choke a whore in a whore house with it. Seriously though, lighten the fuck up. Grab the stick that's lodged in your ass and give it a good yank.
Of course I argued against three days. I told Principal StickUpHisAss that one day would be sufficient. He said he'd possibly cut it to two days provided the Tween had good behavior during ISS. What is this...jail? And you're the fucking parole board? When I called the second day to confirm there would be no day three of ISS hell, Principal Douche wasn't available and the asshole never returned my call. Since I couldn't get to the school to discuss it face-to-face, the Tween served three days.
But, at the end of the second day the Tween wasn't taking her punishment seriously anyway. Too many adults had laughed (not her parents!) in front of her over the incident and exclaimed that it was crap that she got three days over ass in a can. Wonderfuckingful. The asshole principal's attempt at making an example out of a straight "A" student just backfired. Instead of teaching the Tween to be more responsible and that ISS isn't something you want to be in, it taught her that the principal is a fucktarded cock sack who isn't to be taken seriously.
On Saturday a letter detailing the terrible ass spray travesty arrived from the principal. Underneath the three day prison sentence he'd highlighted and underlined "2 days is not an option!". That fucking chicken shit! It didn't save him from a visit from me. But that's another story....

Monday, April 1, 2013

We may be family, but you suck!

Everyone has that one family member that is the black sheep, the drain on the family, the embarrassing STD that no one wants to talk about, the self-entitled asshole that always wants to know what's in it for them. In my family that person happens to be the oldest child - my white trash, deadbeat sister.

That's right, I called my own sister white trash. I call her a lot worse the majority of the time. Things weren't always this way between us. We used to get along, back when I was younger...before I realized how worthless she is. But then the rose-tinted glasses were stripped away and I saw her for who she really is.

While White Trash's 2nd husband was off fighting a war, the part of her that had only shown up occasionally came out full force. White Trash began neglecting her three sons in order to go drinking all the time. She lost a stable job and began bouncing around to other jobs until she became a bartender. She began sleeping around with the customers and "fell in love" with a married man. White Trash stopped paying bills on time and when her husband returned from deployment they faced foreclosure on their home. During this time our parents stepped in and tried to help them hang on to the house. When White Trash filed for divorce my parents gave her a new place to live in. It was a rental property, and it wasn't as nice as the house she had owned, but beggars can't be choosers. Our parents paid for everything (food, clothes, utilities, they gave her a cell phone!) and even gave her a car after she wrecked her own while driving drunk. Guess what? That piece of trash expected them to pay for any maintenance and even the gas for her to get places. White Trash ran the car into the ground....and demanded a replacement vehicle.

Sadly, this has gone on for years. But wait, just like an infomercial, there's more!

White Trash married her 3rd husband and they convinced our parents to let them move into the larger rental house for which they would pay rent. One guess what really happened. For the last 2 years they have leached off our parents. Do they ever say "Thanks"? Hell to the fuck no! Instead, they bad-mouth my parents behind their back. If the dependent behavior hadn't already driven a wedge between us, this surely has. I haven't sat back and watched this shit happening without saying anything. Family gatherings are tense when the money-sucking, ungrateful pile of dog turds makes an appearance.

Yes, my parents have been enablers - they have big hearts and don't want to see any of their children do without - but they are especially concerned with any impact on their grandchildren. Not helping White Trash means her three sons suffer. White Trash has played that against their sympathies.

It has reached an all-time low though. Yesterday my little sister called, upset, to share something that our dad told her specifically not to repeat to me because he knew how I'd react. Well this is a fucking doozy, Bitches, so get ready. White Trash hasn't paid rent for months - sometimes she makes a half-assed attempt - and the stress of supporting White Trash, her husband and three sons has taken a financial toll on our parents. Mom and Dad have to cancel their vacation to see my little sister and her family because the financial impact is so bad that their savings has been entirely drained. In fact, they are now juggling bills to stall foreclosure on both houses.

This pisses me off for a multitude of reasons. I'm sure I don't need to actually list them out for you. I'm sick to my stomach with rage. It's a good thing I live 5 hours away because I'd probably be in jail right now for assault on the cunt rag. I'd like to punch them both in the throat, kick her in the taco and twist off his nut sack with my bare hands. I don't give a shit that we share the same blood. My older sister is a user. A loser. A piece of dog shit on the bottom of my shoe. She deserves to be smeared in the fucking grass. My parents need to evict White Trash and her equally white trash husband and be done with them. The boys pretty much live at my parent's home and they should continue to.

You know the old saying "you can pick your friends, but you can't pick your family"? Fuck. That. To all the leaching, douche canoe, loser, white trash family members out there....YOU SUCK!