Thursday, January 24, 2013

Baby naming rights revoked!

After last week’s baby naming incident I couldn’t help but share that stupid ass name with a few friends. Over drinks we bullshitted and shared other brilliant names that we have come across. I shit you not, these names have been used!

Momma destined me….to be a stripper
  • Mystery – So aptly named because her momma had slept with so many men, it was a “mystery” who the daddy was.
  • Treasure – Do I need to provide an explanation? Poor kid will be called “treasure chest” when her boobs come in.

Actually….Mystery’s mom, although obviously fucked up, is kind of a genius when you think about it.

Mom and Dad are assholes
Some parents are just asshats that think it’s funny to put certain name combinations together. For instance, they have the last name “Brown” so they name their son “Charlie”. Not cute, mom and dad! Here are a few from asshats who were trying to be clever.
  • Richard Head – Way to go mom and dad...your kid will always be known as Dick Head (and not my fondly referred to “Dickhead”).
  • Marsha Mallow – Hope she wasn’t white, fluffy and puffy.
Some people are just fucking idiots
  • Female (pronounced fee-malee) – The mom thought the "hospital named the baby for her. It said so on the bracelet.” In the twat’s defense, she was Hispanic and maybe didn’t understand.
  • Shithead (pronounced SHA-THEED) – I have no words for this level of stupidity and cruelty.
I realize people want something unique – something to make their child stand out in the crowd. But does it have to be done at the child’s expense? The poor kid is the one that has to live with the choice his or her parents made.

Seriously, parents need to grow the hell up. Names are not a contest. You aren’t going to receive a fucking award for the most creative name. “Oh, you named your son after an Aztec god? Well, gee mom, Quatzequatel must be terribly thrilled to have the hardest goddamned name to spell in his kindergarten class! Even the teacher gets so flustered trying to pronounce it and spell it that she calls him “Q”. Here’s your fucking award. Aren’t you proud?” Yep. That’s not going to happen.

So, Bitches, here’s how you can help end this horrible trend. The next time a friend tells you she’s pregnant and gives you a name that stops you in your tracks, please bitch slap her. Kidding. No violence please. But pull your Bitch badge out of your purse and let her know what a stupid. fucking. idea she has. Steer her away from the name nicely if you have a hard time being blunt with an emotionally unstable pregnant lady, but for the love of god and for the kid’s sake, don’t let the stupidity go on.

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