Thursday, January 24, 2013

Baby naming rights revoked!

After last week’s baby naming incident I couldn’t help but share that stupid ass name with a few friends. Over drinks we bullshitted and shared other brilliant names that we have come across. I shit you not, these names have been used!

Momma destined me….to be a stripper
  • Mystery – So aptly named because her momma had slept with so many men, it was a “mystery” who the daddy was.
  • Treasure – Do I need to provide an explanation? Poor kid will be called “treasure chest” when her boobs come in.

Actually….Mystery’s mom, although obviously fucked up, is kind of a genius when you think about it.

Mom and Dad are assholes
Some parents are just asshats that think it’s funny to put certain name combinations together. For instance, they have the last name “Brown” so they name their son “Charlie”. Not cute, mom and dad! Here are a few from asshats who were trying to be clever.
  • Richard Head – Way to go mom and dad...your kid will always be known as Dick Head (and not my fondly referred to “Dickhead”).
  • Marsha Mallow – Hope she wasn’t white, fluffy and puffy.
Some people are just fucking idiots
  • Female (pronounced fee-malee) – The mom thought the "hospital named the baby for her. It said so on the bracelet.” In the twat’s defense, she was Hispanic and maybe didn’t understand.
  • Shithead (pronounced SHA-THEED) – I have no words for this level of stupidity and cruelty.
I realize people want something unique – something to make their child stand out in the crowd. But does it have to be done at the child’s expense? The poor kid is the one that has to live with the choice his or her parents made.

Seriously, parents need to grow the hell up. Names are not a contest. You aren’t going to receive a fucking award for the most creative name. “Oh, you named your son after an Aztec god? Well, gee mom, Quatzequatel must be terribly thrilled to have the hardest goddamned name to spell in his kindergarten class! Even the teacher gets so flustered trying to pronounce it and spell it that she calls him “Q”. Here’s your fucking award. Aren’t you proud?” Yep. That’s not going to happen.

So, Bitches, here’s how you can help end this horrible trend. The next time a friend tells you she’s pregnant and gives you a name that stops you in your tracks, please bitch slap her. Kidding. No violence please. But pull your Bitch badge out of your purse and let her know what a stupid. fucking. idea she has. Steer her away from the name nicely if you have a hard time being blunt with an emotionally unstable pregnant lady, but for the love of god and for the kid’s sake, don’t let the stupidity go on.

Wednesday, January 16, 2013

I'm honored...?

I recently had a really awkward conversation with an acquaintance. It started with her calling me up to let me know she was pregnant. Great! So happy for you! Blah blah blah.

They hadn't broadcast the news through social media posts yet. Which meant I was one of the privileged to hear it straight from her mouth. An honor normally reserved for close friends, right? Weird! You are probably thinking, "Bitch, what's weird about that?" Well, let me fucking enlighten you.

Many years ago this particular broad and I were very close. Close enough that I asked her to be in my wedding. To which she responded by dropping out of my life. No contact. No phone calls. No text messages. No emails. And I couldn't figure out what the hell had happened. I was stumped. I was hurt. And as time went on I was pissed. A mutual friend later filled me in that the ambitions of the broad's own soon-to-be husband lead to the end of our friendship. She was apparently too good to be associated with me. The couple of times I saw the broad in public, she stuck her nose in the air and walked the other way.

Fast forward many years later when she re-entered my life because Dickhead forced the issue. Having been childhood friends with her siblings, he wanted to hang out with them again and I had to go. I managed to blow off the first few get-togethers, but eventually I ran out of steam. Each time Dickhead returned from hanging out he'd lay it on thick how the broad asked about me and wanted to reach out to me, but didn't know how I would react. Well, I found out soon enough when I joined him at one of these little social events. I'll be fucking damned if she didn't run up and try to hug me, acting like we were long lost friends. Oh, twat waffle, not a good move. I stiff armed her, stopping her in her tracks. I don't do fakey-fake shit. With my first snarky comment Dickhead pulled me aside and told me to behave. By the time we left the inside of my cheeks were raw from biting them to keep my mouth shut.

Since that time I've managed to avoid the twat for the most part. But some occasions come up where I simply can't. She's gotten less annoying, but each attempt she has made to get close has resulted in me stonewalling her. Now why would I do that? Because the cunt hasn't attempted to discuss what the fuck went down. She hasn't apologized for abandoning someone she called a "best friend". If that's her version of being a best friend, she has a long way to go. First step would be graduating from that elementary school mindset.

This leads to the rest of my awkward conversation regarding the baby news. The twat proceeds to tell me the name she has picked out. Wait for it.....COTTON! Yes, Cotton. As in Cotton Ball, Cotton Schwab. Cotton. What an awful name. I can't stop hearing the lyrics "Where did you come from, where did you go? Where did you come from, Cotton-Eye Joe?" You're welcome by the way, for me getting that stuck in your head. Then the double whammy comes. "I want the middle name to be your name". Bitch say what?!? I couldn't stop myself. "First, why the hell would you name your child something that kids are going to make fun of? Do you want to scar your kid for life? Second, you are obviously one delusional bitch if you think naming your kid after me is a good idea. We aren't good enough friends for that honor. You destroyed that a long time ago. Naming your child after me isn't going to bring that back. Pull your head out of your ass." Silence. Awkward silence. "Congratulations on the pregnancy though." *click* The dial tone in my ear was the indicator that my message was heard loud and clear. Maybe not received, but heard.

Do I feel like an asshole? Not really. Should I? That's debatable. What is absolute though, is that I can hold my head high that I'm not a fake Bitch.

Thursday, January 10, 2013

Therapy for dealing with sucky people

I had an overwhelming urge lately to clean up my friend lists on social media. A lot of it stemmed from being bombarded with stupid ass status updates, but mainly updates that were so hypocritical of who the person really is that I couldn't stand to even see their name. Don't get me wrong, everyone has hypocritical moments. The key to that being "moments". I'm talking about the assholes that are so self-righteously hypocritical that you don't understand how they live one way while talking out of their ass and judging everyone else. That sort of bullshit pisses me off.

A friend of Dickhead's once stopped talking to him for a long while. I'll call this friend "Asshole". Asshole spent a lot of time with us, hanging out at our house, and thought Dickhead didn't pull his weight enough around our home. So he blasted Dickhead as a horrible husband and father - he is neither even though he can be a, well, a dickhead - and went all self-righteous. Yet the same friend's wife and I were friends. She confided in me all the time about their relationship. Believe me when I say their shit stank. And as awful as Asshole was to her, he was still my friend as well and I wouldn't have thought of dumping on him other than when I called him on his shit to his face. But when the asshole decided he "was tired of the way Dickhead treated (me)" they parted ways. I guess you could say "we were on a break".

Fast forward a while later when they re-entered our lives because Dickhead isn't one to hold grudges. Hug, hug, kiss, kiss, make up. Bullshit. All that happened was Asshole tried to treat us both like shit and his wife was buying into it! I guess during our "breakup" he realized how much his wife confided in me, and how much I knew about his hypocritical behavior. She must have been embarrassed for letting the cat out of the bag. It's the only explanation I can come up with for her change in behavior. Asshole turned up the charm (read the sarcasm there Bitches) and acted like a real asshat. For Dickhead's sake in the friendship I tried to bite my tongue, but as many people know that doesn't work well for me and it sure didn't last long. I ended up going off on Asshole and his spineless wife too. By this time I was done with the fake bullshit.

For some reason though, I never deleted either of them from my friend's list. I began noticing a lot of biblical quotes and lovey-dovey quotes on their pages daily and it made me want to fucking barf. Dickhead noticed the same thing. When he read me a particularly disgusting post calling others out on their relationships I had had enough. I proceeded to reply with my comments of their shitty behavior and point out the hypocrisy I saw. Of course my comments weren't allowed to stay up long before they were deleted. I got my "fuck you" in though before I deleted the assholes from my friend's list.

And once I got started, there was no stopping me. I cleaned out the rest of the asshats that I have grown tired of reading idiotic posts from. I didn't make an announcement on my personal page - what purpose does that serve? "Hey, I cleaned up my friend's list and you made the cut!" Dumb. Fucking dumb. It does nothing to let the person that you deleted know your action was done on purpose. Instead, as I deleted each asshole I shot off a little message letting them know. Fuck you, kiss my ass, fuck you, bye bye, walk off a cliff, you suck. Talk about therapeutic!

I don't know about you, but I feel a lot better now.

Ps. I don't recommend this type of therapy for everyone.

Tuesday, January 8, 2013

Intro to a Bitch's mind

After reaching more than 30,000 fans on Facebook I've decided to jump into the blogging world. My Facebook fans are already aware that I'm used to speaking my mind and saying what I want. In fact, it was my Bitch fans that encouraged me to start blogging. Apparently I have a lot to say even when others don't want to listen. Or do. I'm not entirely sure there. Either way, I guess this will serve its purpose.

Just to give you a little insight into me...I spend a lot of time laughing in my mind about a lot of things. Really, the most interesting company I keep is myself. Does that surprise you? It shouldn't. I'm fucking funny. My brain works like one might imagine a coked-up monkey would. It's all over the place. One minute I'm making fun of someone, then thinking about sex. The next minute I'm committing homicide in an extremely creative way, then thinking about sex. And in another minute I'm judging someone. Probably even flinging mental shit at them. Then I'm thinking about sex. Based on part of my thought process (sex), I probably should have been born a guy. But let me tell you, I'd have been the bitchiest man you'd have ever met.

In fact, you could say I've perfected the art of bitchery. So much so that some fucking idiots don't even realize I'm being a bitch. It's kind of like perfecting the art of sarcasm, but in a way that will really sting the hell out of a person once they get it. Other times I'm such an outright bitch that the person under attack, and even bystanders, will shrink from my fury. I'm not ashamed to say I've made people cry.

However, it's important to understand that being a "bitch" doesn't mean you are fucking heartless. I'm a strong, proud woman. I have compassion for those that are being wronged or are in less-than-fortunate situations. I will stick up for the underdog. I teach my children - who I often refer to as little shits or even little BITs (you work that one out) - to be kind, considerate, passionate and independent. I won't apologize for the way I live my life or the values I instill in my little shits. One day they will grow up to be some fierce Bitches just like their momma.

With all that in mind, let the bitchery begin!