Monday, May 18, 2015

Failing at being a Bitch

Anyone else feel uncomfortable when they witness someone failing at being a Bitch and coming across as at thundercunt instead? 

While at Walgreens this evening to pick up a prescription I was in line behind a knuckle dragging swamp cunt berating the pharmacy tech for not having her prescription on hand that had been called in over a week ago by her doctor while she sat there and by gawd they better find that damn thing or she'd have the girl and the pharmacists incompetent asses for screwing up her meds again. 

The young technician was almost in tears as the twatwaffle in front of me continued ripping into her. Finally, the shitstick turned to me and winked like we were old buddies and she had found someone to agree with her ranting. 

I smiled back sweetly and said it was obvious she has been there many times before - all ending in her being frustrated. She agreed. I said it would be so much easier if they just did their damn job. She agreed again. 

Then I told her it would make their jobs much easier if cunt rags such as herself would pick up prescriptions in a timely manner instead of expecting the pharmacy to hold meds indefinitely until said cunt rag showed up bitching out a young technician because the cunt couldn't comprehend policy and expected special treatment. 

While her mouth hung open, jaw apparently not working, I told the thundercunt to step aside so I could complete my business - as my prescription, called in that very day - was ready for pickup. 

Moral of the story: Not everyone is cut out to be a Bitch - don't mixup how to be a Bitch with showing the world you're nothing but a lowly cunt.

Thursday, April 16, 2015

Teen has always been a daddy's girl and I'm okay with that. My ex is an idiot - which is why we are divorced - but I've never felt the need to badmouth him to her. Parents that do that to their children deserve a cunt punt or junk punch. I always figured one day she'd finally learn who her dad really was. Unfortunately, that day came sooner than I had expected and Teen and I had a sad conversation recently. 

Ex-asshole and Teen were watching TV one night while step-mom was out running errands when the #LikeAGirl commercial came on. Ex-asshole smarted off that girls can't do anything boys can which ticked off Teen but she thought he was just joking around. She smarted off back at him and things got out of control from there. Her dad began yelling at her and telling her that women shouldn't play baseball because they'll throw out their shoulder pitching or get beaned by the ball or break an ankle. Teen pointed out (with an eye roll) that girls play fast-pitch - even her mom and step-mom played in high school. Ex-asshole yelled that women can't play football because they'll end up in the hospital with concussions, broken bones and whatever else. Teen pointed out the flaw in that logic as well since men end up with the same injuries. 

But this wasn't the worst of it. 

The asshat actually said women shouldn't be in politics or leadership roles - that it's what is wrong with the country and business. He told Teen (spit flying as he screamed and his face turned red in anger) that women are too emotional to make good decisions. Teen pointed out that he was pretty damn emotional at that moment which pushed him over the edge. (Side note: I'm so proud of Teen for realizing the irony of the situation, and yes, I'm proud of her for pointing that shit out.)

According to him, women are meant to mind the household and take care of their family. That is their purpose in life. Men are the leaders. Men are the providers. Men are the bosses of their home. (Again, this is just one of the reasons why we are divorced.)

In tears, our daughter asked him how he could believe that women shouldn't be more than moms, shouldn't have dreams, shouldn't aspire for things in life, why he didn't want more for his daughters if they wanted more. He yelled at her that he wasn't going to support the "hippy dippy ideas that women can do more" that she gets from her mom. Teen has never seen him so angry. He continued screaming at her and began throwing stuff around and slamming it down and eventually he sent her to her room for disrespecting him. 

The next morning Teen and step-mom were out running errands. Step-mom brought up the argument, saying ex-asshole had filled her in when she got home. He wanted step-mom to tell Teen that "as leader of the home, he could have handled the discussion better." She then proceeded to tell Teen that she supports him in what he said. This upset Teen even more. She asked step-mom how she could agree with all that her daddy had said when she (step-mom) is a leader at work as the head of her division. Step-mom told her that her Ex-asshole didn't even want her to accept that role but after lengthy discussions they decided she could do it. She encouraged my daughter to accept this frame of thought. 

My daughter has been distraught over this turn of events. She has finally seen a side of her dad that she didn't know. To top it off, ex-asshole hasn't attempted to make any form of an apology to her. Putting his wife up to a halfhearted "I could have handled that better but I'm right" is a pussy ass move. At this point, they are barely speaking and things are tense when Teen is with her dad. 

In all of this, I'm proud of my daughter. 

I'm proud that she is strong enough to realize she has value past the small-minded traditional women's roles that her dad sees set in stone. 

I'm proud that she knows she can be a stay-at-home mom if she wants. She can go into politics. She can do any damn thing she wants. 

Most of all, I'm proud that Teen stood up for herself. That she questioned what someone else wants her to believe about herself. 

She's going to be a strong Bitch.

Wednesday, December 24, 2014

Civil unrest bullshit

The civil unrest and turmoil inside our great country, the USA, is seriously fucked up. I made it clear with Michael Brown that I felt Darren Wilson was in the right to shoot. Now I'm about to speak my mind again.

If you're going to start calling me a privileged white racist then get the fuck off my page now. Hit the unlike button and go find a page that agrees with your bullshit. I don't give two fucks, not even one fuck, if I lose fans for speaking my mind about utter stupidity of the citizens of our fucked up country

This weekend two officers were ambushed and killed in New York for no other reason than they wore the uniform. In Florida an officer was shot and killed, and RAN OVER as the suspect left the crime scene. And now rioters and protesters are taking over near Ferguson, MO again as an officer shot and killed an 18 year old black male who pulled a gun on him last night. The 18 year old LEGAL ADULT pulled a gun on an officer and people are fucking rioting because the officer shot him? Are you FUCKING KIDDING ME? 

Want to talk about someone feeling privileged and creating racial tension? It's not me. It's not my white friends or the white officers doing their goddamn jobs. It's not the Hispanic officers or the black officers. It's the few low life fucktards who think they should get away with murder because they believe they've been oppressed for generations. Those are the "privileged racists". To those assholes I say "Go fuck yourself." You have no interest in drawing attention to any real racial tension that does exist. You have no interest in making things better for your community. It's about shoving your agenda down the nation's throat and taking what you feel entitled to.. 

To the officers putting their lives on the line every single day, I say "Thank you." Thank you for doing a job that too many don't appreciate you doing. Thank you for the sacrifices you make to your family. And thank you for the ultimate sacrifice you sometimes make with your life. 

Cop hugs a tearful boy during Ferguson Protest
Image from Time

There are those that say you decided to do this job that is dangerous. But it doesn't mean that you should expect to live a short life because of this job. 

This job that can make people turn on you just for wearing a uniform. 

This job that puts you in danger on a daily basis even when doing routine calls.

To the families that won't have their loved ones with them this Christmas because they were killed in the line of duty, I'm so very sorry for your loss and my prayers are with you.

Saturday, December 20, 2014

Snatch emergency

Remember last weekend how I missed my wax appointment? Yeah I called to reschedule that shit. Well, due to circumstances outside my master waxer's control, she couldn't get me in until after Christmas. 

The state of my hairy snatch became an emergency. I got desperate and shaved. I. fucking. shaved. I fucking know better! My FUPA (fat upper pussy area) does not do well with a razor. OMFG I hurt so bad. How do bitches SHAVE?!? My twat had razor burn and I got ingrown hairs. When I walked my clothes felt like a Brillo pad scrubbing me raw. 

Dickhead has a hard time understanding why I worship the wax - preferring to have my hair ripped from my lady bits, taint and asshole - and refuse to shave. 

He understood once I humped his face like a dog in heat and gave him a bearded-clam burn.

Wednesday, October 29, 2014

It's all about the blowjob-enomics

Last week I went in for my normal Botox injections in my forehead. Don't judge me. My forehead wrinkles are deep! Without the Botox God my deep forehead wrinkles resemble a woman's gash.

While my plastic surgeon assessed to see how much movement had returned since my last visit, I inquired about lip fillers. My bottom lip is nice and thick (I'm sure it's from all that dick sucking Dickhead gets), and my upper lip is thin (again I think it's from all that dick sucking since I pull my lip over my teeth so Dickehad's junk doesn't get scraped).

You're trying to make that face aren't you? You're trying to figure out if your dick sucking face is different than mine. I know, don't lie. I'm not judging you. I'm a good dick sucker.

Anyway, lip fillers are fucking expensive! Like, the same price as TWO of my Botox visits. At my scowl (or as good of a scowl I can do since I have permanent Bitchy Resting Face), my surgeon mentioned she may have a more cost effective solution. From a plastic surgeon that means you're still going to ass rape me, but you'll considerately use lube while doing it.

The good doctor told me she could put three Botox injections in my upper lip, which wouldn't fill it in like a plumper, but would instead lift it and expose more of the pink lip which would make it look fuller. Now, in my extensive research of fillers (conducted in 5 minutes while in the lobby waiting for my appointment) I had scoured the interwebz looking at before and after pictures of lip filler options. Botox was not one of the options I had found so I had some questions. Okay okay, I had one. The good doctor assured me I wouldn't end up with duck lips for the next six months. After pondering on it for a good long time (a nanosecond) I made up my up mind to give it a try.

I'm not going to lie, I probably worked myself into a little anxiety over how much a lip injection would hurt. I'm not a pussy about pain, but somehow as the needle neared my lip it seemed like a good time to panic. It took some calming and extra cold air numbing of my lips to allow her to proceed. Holy fucking hades those little bee stings hurt like a muthafucker. I swear that Bitch was smiling at the pain she was subjecting me to.

As she tidied up, the good doctor mentioned I may notice a difference in my "pucker" face. She actually used air quotes. I've never wanted to throat punch someone so fucking bad. At my confusion she said anytime I needed to pucker, such as suck on a straw or say words that contained certain sounds, I'd notice a difference in how my lips worked but I would end up compensating for it. Basically I may be drinking through a straw and my lips wouldn't be able to maintain the pucker position so I'd not have as much sucking power, and liquid may dribble out. At this news I shook my head. Fuck me. I told you she was about to ass rape me! The doctor was surprised at my irritation. So I had to spell it out for her. This meant blowjobs were not going to be as easy to give and it may affect the quality which would impact my Coach Bucks earning potential. The good doctor was a little stunned at my vulgarity, but intrigued about Coach Bucks. So I gave her a little lesson in blowjob-enomics. She was so impressed (or disgusted, I'm not entirely sure) that I got my lip injections for FREE. Either way I win!

Tuesday, October 7, 2014

Moving is a bitch!

So I promised you the moving woes of Scrub & Company (adequately named by Scrub's husband, Big Daddy) and of our mom and dad.

Here Dickhead and I were, dodging the moving bullet by being out of town the weekend the big fucking move should have happened. And then we get a phone call.

First, Scrub's closing in TX was a fucking nightmare. The day before they were to sign the closing paperwork and move here their agent called with news that the buyer's lender fucked up and things were on hold. Their shit was already packed on the moving truck and ready to roll as they were going to close on the new home in two days. Were. That shit got put on hold, too.

So Scrub & Company rented their TX house to the buyers, stayed in a hotel down there for a few nights, then headed on up and camped out...NOT at the Bitch household. My response to her request was something like this:

"Hell to the fuck no. Sorry little sis, but your cats aren't declawed like Princess Fiona and they aren't going to tear my shit up. Get a goddamn hotel room until you can board those fur balls. Then you'll be welcome to stay here."

Scrub & Company hit up a hotel until they could work out an arrangement to rent the house they were planning to buy here. The day they moved into the house was the day our parents closed on their home and began the five hour drive here. Their plans were to rent an apartment as they wanted to be snow birds.

I was stressed as a motherfucker dealing with all this drama - yeah yeah blah blah blah, Scrub was probably the stressed one, don't judge me motherfuckers - so I went for a manicure. Halfway through it my phone rings. Against better judgment I answered.

Scrub was in a panic. Our parents apartment had been rented out from under them. The apartment manager tried the old bait and switch. The next apartment was not available for 12 more days and cost more. I waited for her to drop the bomb I knew was coming:

"Can they stay with you. The movers are only halfway done unloading our truck so they can't stay here! I'll help you help them find a place...please please please!"

I told her she better start Googling shit and hung up. Yeah, I'm a Bitch. Here's your cookie for figuring that out.

Long story short on that part, my parents stayed in my house for few nights. Each morning I handed them potential places to check out. Again, yes I know I'm a Bitch. On the 3rd day while my parents were out looking, my sister calls.

I always know the conversation is going to be interesting when she laughs nervously and says, "You're going to think I'm crazy."

She didn't have to go any further. I knew that bat shit crazy Scrub was letting our parents move into her house. The gates of heaven opened and the sun shined down on my house as I laughed with joy that they were leaving my home. True, Scrub's house is less than a mile away, but IT'S A MILE AWAY!

Having my mom and dad here was like adding fucking teenagers to my household. They didn't clean up after themselves, they ate all the goddamn food in the pantry, dishes were left on the table. This is my house, not a motherfucking Bed & Breakfast! So yeah, I've done a happy dance each night they've been gone. And while I drank heavily while they were here so I could cope with the stress, I'm now drinking heavily with relief that they've been gone two nights. TWO nights of them living with Scrub, and she's already losing it. Haha sucker! Blame yourself.

Tuesday, September 16, 2014

Wine and waxing - of course it's a fucking disaster

Master Waxer was drinking her own wine before I arrived today. She must've had a rough day full of pussies and assholes because MW was already slurring when I walked in the door. Then we had a glass (or two, but who's counting) in prep for my vag-anus hair to be ripped out. We joked as usual as I laid back with my legs cocked at odd angles for her to get the wax on.

The air conditioner was going full blast, blowing right on my twat, and I swear my labia clapped to warm itself up. MW apologized for the freezing cold air, but she had been having hot flashes all day so she was trying to cool off. Well, that explained why she was hitting the wine pretty hard before I got there. Fanning herself with one hand, MW smeared some wax on me with the other. Holymotherfuckingjesuschrist the wax was hot hot hot. I yelped in surprise as hot wax dripped on my lady bits. MW was horrified and apologized profusely, starting to fan my twat with her hands. And then, the motherfucking wax stick fell from her fingertips in slow motion and landed in the thick of things on my veej. Of course the air was blowing so hard the wax was congealing faster than normal. When MW grabbed the stick and pulled it took a nice little hair ball with it. At this point I started laughing. I laughed so hard I forgot to maintain position and closed my legs...pretty much gluing my twat closed with wax. My vagina had to be oiled to dissolve the stickiness. If my appointment was any indication of how the rest of MW's day had gone, I couldn't blame her one bit for getting shit-faced. Before we got back to the business of removing the hair from my business I made MW pour me another glass of wine so I could cope with this awkwardly traumatic experience.

I finally left with my hair all ripped out, my lips unglued and a nice little buzz going. Dickhead was pissy when I walked in the door because I was later getting home than normal from an appointment. So I showcased my hard-earned wax job, asked him if it looked good and when he said 'yeah' and tried to fondle me I told him he needed to remember what it looked like because he wasn't getting any with that motherfucking attitude.

Now he's sulking on the couch, and I'm sitting over here drinking more wine and throwing out zero fucks that he's pouting like a fucking child.